Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dear Breeder, you’ve wasted enough of my day talking about that one time that one guy gave you that one look, and how you were totally cool with it but that’s just not your scene. Are you seriously trying to open my mind about how open-minded you are? Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a few minutes to explain to you all the reasons I’m not comfortable with your “lifestyle choices.”
Tolerate that!
I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you, Dear Breeder, but your dinner parties suck. The small talk is uncomfortable, the food uninspired, and the cloth napkins wholly un-monogrammed. Remember that time I canceled on you at the last minute because I was having “an ironing emergency”? That was a lie. Remember that other time I canceled on you, because I was certain if I stepped out of the house, I would be swept up by a giant, hawklike bird of prey? Okay, that was not a lie, but I could just as easily have come up with one, if you’d really put me to it.
The reason no one enjoys your food, home, or company is because you clearly have no idea what you’re doing in the domestic realm, and yet you stubbornly refuse to call upon the expertise of a more learned, more experienced homosexual point of view.
As an opportunity for growth, Dear Breeder, let’s take a gander at two dinner parties: one demonstrating a textbook lack of gay involvement, and one with a somewhat lighter touch.
Before:
“What time is Jeopardy on in 1953?”
As is clearly evidenced from the above photo, these women know how to have what they reluctantly refer to as “a good time.” Our charming hostess Gladys P., pictured extreme right, isn’t afraid to invite her friends over for an evening of oversized Swiss Cake Rolls, Magic Eye wallpaper patterns, and tragically comedic teeth. But what are her guests saying behind her back? Sue C., pictured extreme left, was heard loudly complaining from behind a full eyebrow that there wasn’t enough “sugar” for her “coffee.” I think we all know what that means. Jacqueline R., pictured second from right, pasted on her best Child Protective Services smile and wondered what her kids were doing right about then. And Misty W., second from left, simply grinned and bore it. And bored she was.
But now, Dear Breeder, through the magic of GayVision, let’s have a look at this selfsame dinner party, had you simply chosen to involve the various opinions and aesthetic sensibilities of any homosexual, anywhere.
After:
“Could someone fist me a grape?”
Oh, yeah. I like what I see here. In the interim, our valiant hostess has learned to keep her mouth shut, concealing her ridiculous teeth, and effecting instead a deeply erotic scowl. This bored housewife knows, with a single glance, how to communicate to her guests such popular phrases as, “Why, yes! The secret to my Swedish meatballs is grape jelly!” and, “Now get ready to have a series of small objects inserted into your anus!” The strong influence of a gay is evident here in the voluminous and silken fabrics draped across 90% of the banquet chamber, not to mention the headdress adorning the hostess, the delicate ringlets cascading down her back, the soft, moody lighting, the palpable sense that a violent orgy could break out at any moment.
We want your next dinner party to be a success, Dear Breeder—or rather, what we homosexuals consider a success: An evening full of unapologetically hedonistic sexual debauchery and barbaric feasting, culminating in a wildfire of coerced boundary-pushing and the destruction of thousands of dollars worth of personal property, and ending in the inevitable police intervention and series of arrests. Forget about those monogrammed napkins, Dear Breeder, and hand me a roll of Bounty. We’re all gonna bleed tonight.
Bon appétit!
Well, leaping lizards! Congratulations on the marriage of the Sorry sisters to an entire men’s bowling league. This sister act from Nebraska doesn’t lose a wink of sleep over such “societal norms” as “conventional beauty” or “taste in clothing,” and they’re all the more redundant for it! Meanwhile, back in Pennsylvania Dutch country, the backwoodz boyz are all fancied up and ready for a good old fashioned game of “snake in the outhouse.” And don’t forget, y’all—the reception’s being held on the scenic shores of Lake Sad Times Ahead!
Thank goodness the photographer had the good sense to turn down the gravity a little, so as to subtly draw the viewer’s eye away from the bride, and toward anything else.
I’ll just start off by saying that I wish all straight weddings floated quite like this one. But unfortunately we may never know what the gay wanna-be fashion photographer shouted at Troupe Boring to make them raise their hands and jump like the Pointer Sisters. In the meantime I’ll sit and marvel at the Groom’s enchantingly flat-footed Dick Van Dyke jump, which he must have self-consciously perfected on putting greens all over the country before his “big day.” Also, how convenient that these lovebirds got married in a generic urban industrial waste-dump, so that their clichéd personalities could shine like Penelope Cruz and Halle Berry in Gothika. I just love it when Bride & Groom decide on their wedding day to use the futuristic technology of Vague Metropolitan Snapshottery to pretend like they led exciting lives “downtown” before they got married.
Now we can all enjoy the vague, happy memories of jumping in place currently reserved for those who can legally wed.
Wanton criminals are everywhere these days, aren’t they? As the economy continues its downward slide, break-ins, muggings, and carjackings are on the rise. And for the first time ever, Dear Breeder, it isn’t only minority and fringe groups who feel unsafe on the streets. This crime wave affects upstanding, straight, white citizens like you, too. And I say it’s high time we finally do something about it!
The dangerous, uncertain tenor of our present socio-economic situation has affected us all in different ways. Perhaps some litter appeared one morning on the front lawn of your in-town mini-mansion. Perhaps a person of dubious ethnicity brushed past you on your way out of a trendy restaurant or co-operative grocery store.
“Give me all your money and about three pounds of organic pears!”
Whatever traumatic event brought you here today, Dear Breeder, we sure are glad you came. Here at the Breeder’s Digest School of Self-Defense and Urban Warfare, we intend to teach you the survival techniques you’ll need in order to avoid dangerous, potentially life-threatening interactions with the lower class! You and your loved ones will sleep better at night, knowing that our patented methods have been developed and perfected over years of hatred, abuse, and street violence aimed at homosexuals. We’ve done the work—so you don’t have to!
Lesson 1: “Leave your purse at home!”
Let us learn an important lesson from our sister-women-lesbian-sisters, ladies. The entire contents of your purse can be whittled down to little more than a fistful of cash, a carabiner with keys, and a single no-frills tampon. The next time you leave the house, make like a lesbian: anything that won’t fit in your front pants pocket should be properly secured in a holster at your side.
Lesson 2: “Never hold hands!”
You may think gays and lesbians are reluctant to hold hands on the street, because it tends to draw unwanted attention from a wide variety of haters. On the contrary! Gays and lesbians know that in the case of a sudden attack on the street, you’ll want to have both hands free, in order to shove your domestic partner or one-night stand away from yourself and toward your aggressor. Thank goodness I was wearing my running shoes that night!
Lesson 2.5: “In case of shark attack: stop, drop, and smolder!”
Lesson 3: “When in doubt, butch up!”
When encountering shadowy, underworld figures in darkened parking lots, we gays know it’s no time for an impromptu Bea Arthur trivia challenge. Instead, we try to look tough. We deepen our voices. We pop our collars, so as to appear larger and more threatening. We’ve learned over time that when danger lurks, it’s always best to make the first move. We therefore recommend, Dear Breeder, that you try screaming something at your would-be attacker. “Faggot” should do the trick. This will no doubt send him or her flying toward you in a hail of fists and weapons, thereby giving you the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your skill and mastery of the concepts of self-defense we’ve taught you here today.
Once you’ve successfully fended off your would-be assailant, or woken up in the emergency room, we promise you’ll find that self-defense—much like your collarbone—is a snap!
Stay safe!
What primal scream therapy can’t accomplish for this family, Wife Swap will!
Oh my god, I wish I never would have opened the hatchback of this minivan, but I thought it was one of those lesbian treasure chests that Dodge used to make. Looks like some more sexist garbage washed up on the shores of Heterosexuality, John! Of course, “Mom” is holding an “orange inner tube” while Dad gets the handful of “patriarchal phallic power staff-rod-scepters.” What a surprise! But the real surprise is that little Ricky is a flaming homosexual who will NEVER leave Nantucket Sound, NOT FOR ANYTHING, EVEN IF KELLY CLARKSON HERSELF ASKED HIM TO. And don’t even get me started on the “twins”…
This family represents everything I think I hate about what I think I know about straight people! From their weekend getaways, to their lovely home in the woods, to their lifeless, pleading eyes, these breeders are totally busting my chops and loving it! The dad’s grown cold and distant, the daughters have learned to make themselves invisible, their son is clearly an out-of-control-teen, and mother’s too concerned with her own fluctuating weight gain to give a second’s thought to anyone else in the family. Oh yeah, there’s big problems here. I mean, seriously. He’s laughing in your face, Deborah!
In 1948, celebrated pervert Alfred Kinsey proposed that every person’s sexuality falls somewhere on a scale between zero and six, zero being exclusively heterosexual, and six being outrageously ga-ga-ga-GAY!
“And how long have you had these thoughts about seahorses?”
To help you better understand your own place on the sexual spectrum, Dear Breeder, and that of your closest friends, potential lovers, and clergymen, we at Breeder’s Digest have assembled this handy, free-association guide to the infamous Kinsey Scale. By the time we call your number, you’ll find that human sexuality is so easy, even a child could do it!
While you’re at it, feel free to jot down some of your own associations! And don’t forget to name names!
KINSEY 0: Absolutely Straight
Ryan’s Steakhouse, gang violence, coupons, Esther Rolle, Oil of Olay
KINSEY 1: Straight n’ Hard
Neckerchiefs, “Painter of Light” Thomas Kinkade, public bathrooms, 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, animals with blowholes
KINSEY 2: Bisexual, Mostly Straight
Missy Elliott, the Baldwins, prison sex
KINSEY 3: Truly Bisexual
Unicorns, dragons, El Chupacabra, Susan Lucci, rainbow trout
KINSEY 4: Bisexual, Mostly Gay
Queen Latifah, the Cusacks, prison sex
KINSEY 5: Gay n’ Easy
Felicity Huffman, jockstraps, secret eating, Bare Minerals foundation, North Carolina
KINSEY 6: KA-BOOM!
Snagglepuss, the MoMA gift shop, Barbara Hershey, shrimp or cock rings, Europe
Pencils down, Dear Breeder! Time to tally up our points! Whether you scored in the gay, straight, or creepy, in-between area, what a weight off your shoulders it must be, to finally recognize your position on the Kinsey Scale—not to mention the corresponding set of human rights society is thereby willing to afford you! When it comes to Kinsey, we’re all winners!
Did anyone else get an 8.6666666667? OMG, me too!
By now you’ve noticed that lesbians are a sensitive people, a people driven to extreme public expressions of emotion. You probably noticed this around the same time you noticed that lesbians cry about everything, anywhere, all the time. But what you should also know is that you too can benefit from Excessive Lesbian Feelings™. In fact, once you undergo Breeders Digest‘s lifetime guaranteed Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training, you will begin to see your straight happiness for what it is (mindless obedience) and start feeling again, thanks to better living through vicarious living.
Let’s start with the basics. Sometimes it’s clear why a lesbian is crying. Our dogs get sick. We spill white wine on white denim jackets we’ve had since the 80s. Our live-in girlfriends smash cherished collegiate Pilsner glasses into a thousand jagged pieces of danger. Any of these obvious events may prompt lesbians—and most of their friends—to cry.
Until now, only lesbians themselves have been aware of the more subtle causes of lesbian crying. Once you master these, you will be ready and willing to weave heterosexual gold from lesbian scrap metal. But be careful! Although weeping lesbians will always entertain you, there is nothing you can do once a Sapphic Sister is awash in her own tragic glee. Nothing but watch in awe at a species that has perfected the ancient arts of emotional catharsis and inappropriate public sobbing.
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE HOME
Perceived Problem: UNAPPRECIATIVE PARTNER or LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS
Actual Problem: Living with others can be difficult
Lacrimal Response: Passive-Aggressive Sniffles
Accompanying Long-Winded Rants Begin With:
“The soy milk is…”
“How can you be so unaware of the way your defense mechanisms disrupt our domestic equilibrium?”
“It would be nice if you would acknowledge all of the work I put into this relationship/job/outfit/’94 Subaru…”
“Why do they always ask if we’re sisters?”
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Oh, No You Didn’t: OFFENSIVE COMMENTS and THOUGHTS
Oh, Yes He Did: Workplace tensions and offensive comments often go hand in hand in a patriarchal society
Lacrimal Response: Bold-Faced Tears and a Lecture in ALL CAPS
And the Power Point says:
“I wish I never would have heard you talking that way about your wife, Ted. It hurts me to know that your sexist beliefs run so deep.”
“Well, the way the Bush regime approached…”
“You are a cultural appropriator, and my style is wholly original!!”
“They’ll never know how much work it took to turn this glass ceiling on its side!”
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE ENVIRONMENT
Major Emergency: NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION or SUDDEN LACK OF DRAMA
Root Issue: Frustrated Theatrical Ambitions
Lacrimal Response: Projectile Crying and Slurred, Exaggerated Misery
Common Side Effects: Break-ups, Stabbings, Things Thrown from 2nd Floor Apartments or Car Windows, (Forest) Fires, Explosions.
A typical lesbian trust building activity.
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY ON THE TOWN
Ideal Settings for Lesbian Shitstorms: BEING AT A PARTY or BAR
Actual Cause: Being around other lesbians at a bar or party
Lacrimal Response: Gnashing of Teeth, Howling at Moon, Clawing at Eyes, and Punching Walls, Cars, or Oneself.
Things She Keeps Repeating:
“No one understands me!”
“I hate her!”
“I’m sorry I ruined your birthday or wedding!”
Un ballo in mascara
As you can see, Dear Breeder, it would behoove you to acquaint yourself with the nuances of lesbian crying, so that the next time you’re in a social space where lesbians will likely be present (i.e. bat mitzvahs, bathroom renovations, or airplane take-offs), you will be educated enough to appreciate a sudden, unexpected outpouring of Excessive Lesbian Feeling™. For, intellectualized amusement at the pain of others is the sweet fruit born of Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training.
Whenever a lesbian’s lips begin to tremble and tears begin to gather in her eyes, even crying babies fall into a respectful silence, allowing the lesbian to take center stage for what will certainly be a captivating performance full of vocal highs and personal lows.
This is what it sounds like when dykes cry.
Move over, King of Pop! Today’s long-awaited installment of Breeder’s Digest is all about some queens!
Just why, you may never ask, are we gays so fascinated by royalty? Yes, we admire their outfits and high-pressure relationships. Yes, we cry at their weddings and smile at whatever Elton John plays at their funerals. Heck, I even go so far as to refer to some of my best friends behind their backs as “a bunch of tired old queens.”
Let’s take a moment, shall we, to ponder the glitz, the glamour, and yes, the mystique, of a bunch of real-life “tired old Queens.”
Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom
This old ocean liner is so much more than just a name on the side of some old ocean liner. Of course, she will be remembered as much for her conservative reign of hats and gloves, as for her all-night, orgiastic binges, which came to be known as “High Tina with the Queen.” Also, she will be remembered for whatever traumatic thing happened in that one movie I think I might have seen about her. This old queen may be tired, but her London Bridge ain’t fallin’ down no time soon!
Queen Elizabeth, hard at work.
Beatrix, Queen of the Netherlands
This gun-toting, dope-smoking, lesser-known Dutch matriarch is proud to have stuck her finger in practically every dike in the country! When she’s not presiding over Dutch Parliament or this country’s thriving tulip market, you’d better believe she’s shoulder to shoulder with the working people of the Netherlands, standing half-undressed in a window, trying to make eye contact with every stranger passing by. Who knows? Toss her a handful of euros, and she might let you see her Low Countries.
Queen Beatrix, doing some light reading at the beauty salon.
Latifah, Queen
This queen, above all others, is known for her shameless string of passionate, steamy love affairs with a revolving door of high-profile male lovers. The grounded, female sensuality of her on-screen performances (see Last Holiday) has cemented this national treasure’s reputation as a strictly heterosexual American sex symbol. (Don’t worry, we won’t blow your Cover, Girl!)
Queen Latifah, wearing an uncharacteristically revealing outfit.
Whew! All this talk about royalty has me seeing tiaras, not to mention dangerous confrontations with an increasingly-aggressive paparazzi!
At the end of the day, when each queen strips away her royal garb, her heirloom jewelry, her thin layer of self-disgust, she lies alone in her bed, her scepter on the pillow beside her, the world at her feet. During this moment, she is like every other person on the planet who rules over a nation and has never pooped alone. Forced to live in a world of privileged isolation, and charged with the impossible task of living up to public expectation, she dreams in private of another life, one in which she may finally be herself. In this way, Dear Breeder, we are all royalty.
Long live the queens!
Although Breeder’s Digest is fast on its way to becoming a cherished historical institution, we never miss a chance to brush up on the Gay Past. Just this week, we were invited to give a lecture, “Cruisin’ and Bruisin’: Public Domestic Violence in Public,” at the Museum of Naturally Gay History. Imagine our surprise when we stumbled into an informative and amusing dioramic exhibit entitled “LOST! Bisexuality in Focus.”
Recently, a bisexual was unearthed in Japan.
In celebration of the inevitable extinction of bisexuality, I’d like to share what I learned while staring in awe at those hauntingly lifelike creatures. You’ll meet some of the founding fathers and mothers of Gay Liberation, Dear Breeder, and believe me, as usual, those bisexuals have A LOT to say about themselves!
FRIDA KAHLO (Saber-Toothed Vagina)
Frida’s Kahlo has been the face of bisexuality, lesbianism, and breathtaking trauma since her painterly heyday in the early 20th Century. Her lifelong affair with muralist Diego Rivera turned out to be the perfect foundation for a string of sensually-inspiring lesbian love affairs. TGIF: Thank God It’s Frida!
“Do you think you can handle dating a bisexual?”
DAVID BOWIE (Trannysaurus Sex)
Bowie’s strikingly good dinosaur looks helped get him started in a business that all but requires hard work, artistic dedication, lots of sharp teeth and short, pincer-like arms. His androgynous flamboyance helped bring gays into the Bronzer Age, while conflicting accounts in the press regarding his orientation made us realize just how confusing bisexuality is—even to bisexuals themselves! Hey Dave, let’s get Ziggy with it!
His pincer-like arms always made for an empty sleeve.
ANGELINA JOLIE (Triestogettoppedalot)
As the last living bisexual, Angelina Jolie is a genuine relic from the past (namely, Jenny Shimizu’s). Jolie eventually dumped bisexuality for her new favorite opposite-hobby, public babymaking. We think that’s the Pitts!
It’s plain as day, Jolie was once a womb raider!
Doesn’t the world look slightly different, Dear Breeder, once you realize that 160 million years ago bisexuals roamed the earth? Sadly, we may never know what lead to their sudden extinction. Perhaps it was a meteor that fell from the sky, wiping them off the face of the mall. Was it the same case of alcohol poisoning that led your wife to make out with her sorority sister, even though she denied it two months later? Or maybe—just maybe—it was the new species of sexual deviant known as Queerus Interruptus that aggressively rose to dominance by devouring the natural resources which formerly belonged to bisexuals (bachelorette parties, Zimas, and women’s jeans).
What will come next, Dear Breeder, in life’s great evolutionary tapestry? Based on the law of survival of the fittest, I’ve determined that it will have one all-seeing eyebrow, a knack for choosing the wrong nail polish, and one hell of an adoption attorney!
Sounds like a straight girl to me!
All too often, we gays (let alone you Breeders) neglect the importance of our own history, forgetting the significant social, political, and religious struggles our forefathers and foremothers endured to make today a better tomorrow. But what comes next? Well, Dear Breeder, here’s a glimpse into our own crystal visions of the future of GLBTQ history.
2010: First lesbian softball team runs for public office.
2021: Celebrity Scandal! Gore Vidal caught poolside with young stud!
2033: First Tampax commercial to show two men kissing airs on prime-time TV.
2042: Stonewall 2.
2050: Melissa Etheridge resigns as Attorney General Janet Reno.
2067: First gay on the moon.
2078: First gay on Uranus.
2082: Statue of Liberty gets cold; AIDS quilt to the rescue!
2096: Another lesbian wins Wimbledon.
2104: Scientists isolate “gay gene,” quickly send it to Christian counseling.
2111: First all-S/M Police Brigade hits the streets, and each other.
2119: I should never have gotten those highlights.
2125: Lesbians unite!
2140: First gay President declines post, “Too much hand-holding, not enough action!”
2156: Stonewalls 3 through 7.
2169: Gays finally made first-and-a-half class citizens.
2177: Dinah Shore ’77 blasts into space!
2180: First tranny elected Pope.
2188: Cure for the common cold discovered; AIDS research still underfunded.
2193: Gay robot rebellion begins.
2194: Hand jobs still awesome!
2213: Madonna dies, reinvents herself as crime-fighting android.
2221: Gay marriage legalized in all 50 states!
2222: Nuclear annihilation.
