Now we know that the only thing of substance President Obama had to say to the chic gays who could afford to attend one American dinner party was that he “urges” Congress to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Otherwise, the historical buzzwords and hypothetical scenarios of gay equality left us with a bad taste in our mouths. And not the usual one. And not just because our press passes fell through. In case you missed the President’s speech, here’s our official play-by-play of what went down before the uppity crowd.
8:11: Obama thanks everyone alive, including the Ambassador to Samoa and the Girl Scouts of America who invented the Samoa. He also gives a tip of the hat to Tipper Gore. Is it a Betsey Johnson original?
8:12: Obama breaks the ice with a Lady Gaga joke, which reminds the crowd of why they paid $250 to be there. To remind them why they really should be there, Obama makes the first of several generic Stonewall references.
8:13: Obama finally says the word “transgender.” This is met with blank looks from well-to-do gay men wearing corsages in the audience.
8:13:30: Obama finally acknowledges LGBT PTA members, a voiceless minority of family makers with a lot of clout.
8:14: Is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat? Or are we dreaming?
8:15: Obama acknowledges HIV without actually saying the words “HIV,” “AIDS,” or “(RED)”.
8:16: Obama announces that he is there with us in the fight (except that he has an all-access pass, and we don’t). He’s also there with lesbians in sports bars and bras across the country.
8:16:30: Obama opens up about his lack of progress, and about the value of clichés involving friendship.
8:16:45: BEING GAY IS LIKE BEING BLACK. His words, not ours.
8:17: His tie subtly reinforces that he is attending a black tie affair.
8:17:30: Obama blames the economy mostly on gays, partly on Iraq and Afghanistan.
8:18: Obama once again alludes to the benefits of having gay neighbors. We help you rake your yard!
8:18:30: Obama’s commitment is unwavering. His lips, however, are wavering.
8:19: Gay men in the audience keep standing up, wondering aloud, “Who do I have to blow to get a drink in this place?”
8:19:30: More fluffy pandering, met with great fanfare.
8:20: “A union in which gay Americans are an important part.” – President Obama
8:20:02: “Huh?” – Us
8:21: Matthew Shepard’s name is exploited, as Obama promises to pass a bill which should have been passed 11 years ago. Obama says that Shepard’s parents “never gave up.” Then, Obama tries to say that activists “never gave up” but accidentally says “gayed up” and it is hilarious, people!
8:22: Obama scandalously suggests that no one should have to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love. He’s finally taking a stand!
8:24: Ever since the Obamas got that diva dog, he’s become even better at throwing bones!
8:26: Are we hearing a recycled campaign speech or is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat or are we still dreaming?
8:27: Obama proclaims “issues of gays raise great emotion in this country” while appearing emotionless. This wordsmith sure knows how to circumvent ugly words like “homophobia” and “gay panic”!
8:28: Okay, we still need to remember that the President had to have someone write a speech addressing a bunch of rich gay queens. HILARIOUS!
8:29: President Obama repeats the first half of speech, hopes the gays won’t notice. They don’t.
8:29:30: Obama gets confused and starts saying things he says to straight people about insurance.
8:29:45: Obama boldly tries to unite his Christian right, homosexual left, and ambidextrous Asian-American constituents by inviting one and all to this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll.
8:30: Obama makes a graceful transition from Christian lawn games to our country’s cherished collective memories of the Stonewall Rebellion.
8:31: In true politico form, Obama embarks on a Touching Personal Story (or TPS) centered around a woman named Jean. This is clearly a story about how bad homophobia can happen to good people, but all we want to know is: Are you dishing us the untold story of JEAN SMART??
8:32: You fooled us again, Obama! Turns out, Jean was one of the co-founders of PFLAG in 1973. Obama knows that gays love acronyms (LGBTQ, HRC, STFU) and that the mere mention of PFLAG never fails to bring misty tears to the faces of gays who have all suffered some form of familial homophobia. God, we love clapping at our own courage!
8:33: Obama starts wrapping things up by describing a hypothetical, imaginary scenario in which a young man in an unnamed country (Yugoslavia? Belarus?) is kept awake at night, tormented either by restless leg syndrome or by the lack of basic human rights his backwards, hopelessly out-of-touch native land (Bosnia? Egypt?) is willing to afford him as a homosexual.
8:33: Ripping a page from the Whitney Houston playbook, Obama passionately asserts that children will lead the way into the future, but fails to address the immediate needs of actual adults for whom a lack of civil rights is more than just an opportunity to make small talk with Lady Gaga while eating poached salmon and wearing an Armani tux.
8:35: Last, Obama charms us with a quick sign-off. Another triumph for political pandering, overt emotional manipulation, and the idea that change is something to be continually hoped for.
