As I’ve already explained in this blog and posted numerous times in the town square, lesbians are good friends to have. Doing neighborly favors comes just as naturally to lesbians as changing the course of Western literature came to famous lesbian authoress Marcel Proust. And just like Proust, we’re all too happy to assist in building multi-tiered decks, making Dolly Parton seem androgynous, and dog-sitting for entire lunar cycles—without losing a lick of temps! Sure, all of this sounds good but, you may find yourself asking, How do I meet these gentle, bighearted creatures? What do they look like? How can I make them notice me?
Well, Dear Breeder, for once you’re asking the straight kinds of right questions! And now it’s time to do what you really know how to do: HUNT.
A low-key, summertimery place to track industrious, useful lesbians is at your local community supported agriculture (CSA) project. I know you think you can smell a co-op or pyramid scheme from a mile away, but I swear it’s not like that this time. Just put your $40,000 baby back in that $300 stroller and look around you, Dear Breeder—look deeper into the mist! There, can you see it? Behind the barrels of organic, expensive but free-range agriculture and dairy products? Yes, an entire world of civic-minded, green-thumbed lesbians is right at your fingertips!
Supermarket Schlep
Here are a few things you’ll want to check off your grocery list if you want to get a lesbian in your crosshairs in time to let her carry your groceries out to the car for you.
Marking Your Territory: Open Season
If your CSA offers a choice of days to pick up your bounty of fresh, locally grown produce, trust me: Choose the weekend not the weekday date. Choosing the right hunting season will magnify your chances of casually encountering a casually-dressed lesbian by about 400%. The reason for this is that locally-grown lesbians, like American Black Bears, are a hibernating species. Lesbians lie dormant during the week (apart from their tireless work at the non-profits that make your city worth living in) so that they may rise again, well-rested, for their weekend-long pursuits: like hiking the Appalachian Trail in a few days, feeding the homeless the food you don’t eat, or hosting weekend-long BBQ binges that make your college Greek life look like naptime at the lesbian-run charter school up the street.
Baiting the Trap: Pattypan Squash
Have you ever heard of this varietal of squash before, Dear Breeder? Do you know sixteen different ways to make this into a delectable side dish (or chilled wine) that will make your neighbor, boss, or high school crush willing to do anything (and I do mean anything) to get invited to the Labor Day party that your soon-to-be lesbian bestie is going to plan for you and then not attend? I didn’t think so. Pay attention.
“I never knew anal could be so…comfortable!”
Proper Hunting Attire: Take Off That Visor
You may be surprised to know that the only thing lesbians like to see visors on are LPGA golfers—and even then only during televised tournaments. You hear me? Do NOT wear a visor when trying to lure a lesbian into your “kill zone.” No visors are allowed on strollers, heads, or strapped to your hip like those straight cell phone holsters you carry around with you everywhere. To the lesbian tribe, straight people wearing headgear is weak and lazy. Once confronted with tacky shade, we will retract and fly away like a flock of demented birds, after a Hitchcockian fashion.
Going in for the Kill: Your Go-To Conversation Line
Next time you bump elbows with a hungry-eyed lesbian of the wild in front of the cheese-choosing fridge, go ahead, ask her what she thinks of a Palestinian embargo. Ask her about Hillary Clinton. Seriously, break the ice with an enticing question about the evolution of American folk music. I guarantee she’ll have you laughing all the way to the bank—by which I mean your cheesy, undomesticated Lexus—with promises of giving you clippings from her award-winning garden, or teaching your kid how to read any number of romance, or lost, languages. For FREE.
Hemingway: Professional Lesbian Hunter
Before long, you’ll have a stable of reliable, hard-working lesbians mounting tofu on your wall, providing you with the kind of backyard, emotional support you really need. And by the end of the day, you’ll realize that friendships with lesbians are like investment strategies that you’ll never have to shell out for, wild adventures akin to unaccompanied safari in foreign lands. We will give and give, just out of the kindness of our well-worn hearts. All we ask in return is for you to stop referring to our significant others as our “friends.” And maybe for that extra basil puree/rack of ribs it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to eat, anyway.
