Can you spot the 19,362 differences between these three pictures?
Hint: She’s on the right!
Archive for the ‘Gay’ Category
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October 29, 2009Excuses, Excuses
October 20, 2009We’re all familiar with the tried and true line straight people use to get out of having sex with one another: “Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.” And sure, Dear Breeder, it may have gotten you out of the occasional tight spot, literally or figuratively as the case may be. But what you probably don’t realize is that, due to the dangerously high levels of endorphins coursing through our veins and our ability to release stored-up tension with a single, well-timed bon mot, gay men and lesbians never, ever get headaches. Instead, we’re forced to come up with increasingly outlandish excuses to avoid obligatory sex with our respective loved (or despised) ones. Let’s take a little stroll through the Breeder’s Digest Gay Excuse Hall of Fame, shall we?
“Shh! You’ll make the soufflé fall!”
“How dare you spend so much time making small talk with the mail carrier!”
“I just don’t respect you anymore.”
“You know how important it is to me that the butternut squash is planted in time for the harvest celebration.”
“The dog or cat just spilled or ate all our sex lube or condoms!”
“I can feel your mother staring at me.”
“Why does everything have to be a competition with you? For god’s sake, this isn’t Wimbledon, Martina!”
“The lifestyle to which you’ve accustomed me has caused me to become spoiled and sullen.”
Next time you need an excuse to get out of giving or receiving that H, B, or R job, Dear Breeder, feel free to think outside the box! In no time, we guarantee you’ll be off doing something you really enjoy—like cheating on your spouse!
Lost and Found at the National Equality March
October 16, 2009We don’t know about you, but over here at Breeder’s Digest we’re still pulling ourselves together after last weekend’s National Equality March in D.C.! We never knew that living history could be so much like just living our lives! The numbers are still coming in, but it appears that anywhere from 17 to 250,000 gay people just like us descended on our nation’s capitol. In order to get a better sense of all that we gained from this public demonstration of gay solidarity, we must first take stock of all that was left behind.
If any of the following items belong to you, please let us know…
- One oven mitt, a baker’s dozen of vegan honey butter croissants
- One tear-stained copy of Khalil Gibran’s “Sand and Foam”
- One unfinished sign reading “Gays Will Not Rest Until”
- Kim Cattrall
“Who’s here for Cindy’s alternative lifestyle affirmation ceremony?!”
- Nineteen handfuls of glitter
- Nineteen copies of Mariah Carey’s Glitter on Blu-Ray
- 165 iPhones, 11 complete sets of Crate & Barrel mixing bowls, and 47 pairs of 2(x)ist underwear
- One copy of Socialist Protest Chants inscribed “This book belongs to Josh!”
- Handwritten notes for Lady Gaga’s groundbreaking (and ear-shattering) speech
Blue means scream, green means grass.
- The shadow of Cleve Jones, predicting 6 more weeks of gay winter
- Something about Maine
- Abandoned HOPE and loose CHANGE
- Joe Solmonese’s toupette
He might not be able to drive a movement, but he sure can drive a clutch!
Incidentally, there are still loads of baby dykes lounging on the lawn of the Capitol Building, waiting to find (or in some cases, lose) their nascent identities. And can someone please come claim Lady Gaga? She’s still talking…
Liveblogging Obama’s Speech at the HRC Dinner: Three Days Later
October 12, 2009Now we know that the only thing of substance President Obama had to say to the chic gays who could afford to attend one American dinner party was that he “urges” Congress to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Otherwise, the historical buzzwords and hypothetical scenarios of gay equality left us with a bad taste in our mouths. And not the usual one. And not just because our press passes fell through. In case you missed the President’s speech, here’s our official play-by-play of what went down before the uppity crowd.
8:11: Obama thanks everyone alive, including the Ambassador to Samoa and the Girl Scouts of America who invented the Samoa. He also gives a tip of the hat to Tipper Gore. Is it a Betsey Johnson original?
8:12: Obama breaks the ice with a Lady Gaga joke, which reminds the crowd of why they paid $250 to be there. To remind them why they really should be there, Obama makes the first of several generic Stonewall references.
8:13: Obama finally says the word “transgender.” This is met with blank looks from well-to-do gay men wearing corsages in the audience.
8:13:30: Obama finally acknowledges LGBT PTA members, a voiceless minority of family makers with a lot of clout.
8:14: Is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat? Or are we dreaming?
8:15: Obama acknowledges HIV without actually saying the words “HIV,” “AIDS,” or “(RED)”.
8:16: Obama announces that he is there with us in the fight (except that he has an all-access pass, and we don’t). He’s also there with lesbians in sports bars and bras across the country.
8:16:30: Obama opens up about his lack of progress, and about the value of clichés involving friendship.
8:16:45: BEING GAY IS LIKE BEING BLACK. His words, not ours.
8:17: His tie subtly reinforces that he is attending a black tie affair.
8:17:30: Obama blames the economy mostly on gays, partly on Iraq and Afghanistan.
8:18: Obama once again alludes to the benefits of having gay neighbors. We help you rake your yard!
8:18:30: Obama’s commitment is unwavering. His lips, however, are wavering.
8:19: Gay men in the audience keep standing up, wondering aloud, “Who do I have to blow to get a drink in this place?”
8:19:30: More fluffy pandering, met with great fanfare.
8:20: “A union in which gay Americans are an important part.” – President Obama
8:20:02: “Huh?” – Us
8:21: Matthew Shepard’s name is exploited, as Obama promises to pass a bill which should have been passed 11 years ago. Obama says that Shepard’s parents “never gave up.” Then, Obama tries to say that activists “never gave up” but accidentally says “gayed up” and it is hilarious, people!
8:22: Obama scandalously suggests that no one should have to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love. He’s finally taking a stand!
8:24: Ever since the Obamas got that diva dog, he’s become even better at throwing bones!
8:26: Are we hearing a recycled campaign speech or is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat or are we still dreaming?
8:27: Obama proclaims “issues of gays raise great emotion in this country” while appearing emotionless. This wordsmith sure knows how to circumvent ugly words like “homophobia” and “gay panic”!
8:28: Okay, we still need to remember that the President had to have someone write a speech addressing a bunch of rich gay queens. HILARIOUS!
8:29: President Obama repeats the first half of speech, hopes the gays won’t notice. They don’t.
8:29:30: Obama gets confused and starts saying things he says to straight people about insurance.
8:29:45: Obama boldly tries to unite his Christian right, homosexual left, and ambidextrous Asian-American constituents by inviting one and all to this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll.
8:30: Obama makes a graceful transition from Christian lawn games to our country’s cherished collective memories of the Stonewall Rebellion.
8:31: In true politico form, Obama embarks on a Touching Personal Story (or TPS) centered around a woman named Jean. This is clearly a story about how bad homophobia can happen to good people, but all we want to know is: Are you dishing us the untold story of JEAN SMART??
8:32: You fooled us again, Obama! Turns out, Jean was one of the co-founders of PFLAG in 1973. Obama knows that gays love acronyms (LGBTQ, HRC, STFU) and that the mere mention of PFLAG never fails to bring misty tears to the faces of gays who have all suffered some form of familial homophobia. God, we love clapping at our own courage!
8:33: Obama starts wrapping things up by describing a hypothetical, imaginary scenario in which a young man in an unnamed country (Yugoslavia? Belarus?) is kept awake at night, tormented either by restless leg syndrome or by the lack of basic human rights his backwards, hopelessly out-of-touch native land (Bosnia? Egypt?) is willing to afford him as a homosexual.
8:33: Ripping a page from the Whitney Houston playbook, Obama passionately asserts that children will lead the way into the future, but fails to address the immediate needs of actual adults for whom a lack of civil rights is more than just an opportunity to make small talk with Lady Gaga while eating poached salmon and wearing an Armani tux.
8:35: Last, Obama charms us with a quick sign-off. Another triumph for political pandering, overt emotional manipulation, and the idea that change is something to be continually hoped for.
Fantastical Protest Getaway
October 10, 2009I can’t believe I’m actually here at the National Gay Equality March! I feel like Cinderella at the ball, but only in this version, Cinderella is actually the Prince. And this Prince wears denim, pirate pants, and flashy discount sneakers! I drove to D.C. with three of my best friends, and we’re staying in a hotel that’s simply magical! In fact, I think that’s what it’s called–just look at the picture below. Also, we were even given a royal name when we checked into the hotel: “Press”. It’s written on our badges and embroidered into our fluffy pillows! I think it’s French!
Oh my, everything is just wonderful!
Wait until I find out it’s all just a beautiful façade!
Usually when I go to protests–and believe me, I’ve been to a lot of marches and squat-ins and spinning classes because I consider it a part of my lesbian heritage–I tend to find myself surrounded by at least eight unshowered lesbians in a van with no seats. But not this time!
I keep looking out the window (or maybe it’s a mirror?), asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this fairy tale protest march experience?”
And you know what? All I had to do was be gay. It was that easy.
Enjoy your stay!
(I’m Staying in Room 628)
October 10, 2009Dear Lieutenant Dan Choi,
I saw you last night, staring at me from across the crowded bar in the Madison Hotel, where we’re both staying while in D.C. Did you think I wouldn’t notice you casting sidelong glances in my direction?
And the occasional sidelong grimace…
This has got to stop, Dan. You’ve been emailing me for months now, urging me to join your cause, to support you in your time of need, to link metaphorical arms (and actual ones, I hope) in the struggle for gay equality. But give it to me straight. Unlike all those military people I think I’ve seen in movies about the military, I can handle the truth. I know you’ve been emailing other people. What’s up with that? I thought this was real. I thought there was something between us.
Could it be that I’m just another name on a listserve to you? That you’re a major gay icon, whose impressively-decorated military career suffered as a direct result of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” and I’m merely a low-level blogger who happens to be staying in the hotel headquarters of the National Equality March?
Call me sometime?
Nation In Crisis: Breeder’s Digest Goes to Washington
October 9, 2009Someone call 911! Our civil rights slipped in the shower! And we’re not taking it anymore!
After decades of gay oppression, we at Breeder’s Digest have decided to take matters into our own hands, and fix all our nation’s problems in one weekend. That’s why we’re on an emergency roadtrip to Washington D.C. to attend the National Equality March.
Look how many of us there may or may not be!
Top 10 Things We Want to Do While in D.C.
1. Shop for high-end fashions in low-end chain stores at the National Mall.
2. Pay homage to our first gay President by visiting the Lincoln Memorial.
3. Go down on the Washington Monument.
4. Take a trip to the Smithsonian Institution, and search Amelia Earheart’s plane for signs of lesbianism. You can’t hide forever, Earheart!
5. Buy an Obama-scented candle from a street vendor and/or street person.
6. Avoid those District of Colombian drug cartels we’ve heard so much about in the news.
7. Whale-watching off Puget Sound.
8. Get cruised by a Senator while admiring his wingtips and wide stance.
9. Read Maya Angelou aloud to each other as we lounge beneath the full bosom of a cherry blossom tree.
10. Stand up and be counted as proud American citizens who happen to drive German cars, admire clean Scandinavian design, make love like ancient Greeks, and harbor Socialist ideals bordering on outright Communism.
Are gays too easily distracted to liveblog a major national event? Can our nation’s capitol handle our delicate constitutions? Can our delicate constitutions handle our nation’s capitol?
Stay tuned to see what happens in the next installment of Nation In Crisis: Breeder’s Digest Goes To Washington. Or, follow us in even real-er time at @HomoSentences and VelvetPark.
Sorry, You’re Gay
September 28, 2009
If Radclyffe Hall and Noël Coward were the same person…
Listen, sister. Your mixed nuts are giving me a lot of mixed signals, and it’s time you take a look in the mirror. Your monocle may be a cheeky nod to lesbian fashions of the 1920′s, but that long, skinny cane is nothing but a failed attempt at an imaginary phallus. In fact, your entire over-accessorized outfit does nothing but call you out as the raging dyke you truly are. Girl, you are so butch that if you had one more accessory, you could pass as Dudley Moore, who himself could pass as a lesbian any day of the week, even from beyond the grave. Did I say “grave,” meaning solemn or dignified? I wish. Instead, you’re having a spat attack and smiling like a drill team sergeant, which I’m assuming you were at some point in your life. For your own closeted sake, I hope to god those gloves are latex. Now, until you put on some relaxed khakis and a ball cap with a bent brim, I’m never talking to you at the liquor store again!
The case for gay marriage, in a nutshell.
There you go again, walking out of the county courthouse in broad daylight, your head held high, as if you hadn’t just spent the night in jail on charges of public lewdness and solicitation. Let’s face it, Mr. Peanut. If only you’d come out of the closet and live your life as an openly gay man (if not the gayest man on the planet), you might have more self-respect, and start wearing a dress like all self-respecting gay men do. You might be able to kick that nasty drinking habit, and stop hiding pints of Southern Comfort all over the house. You might not feel compelled to post the exact same ad, night after night, on craigslist: OLDER, REFINED GENTLEMAN SEEKS HONEY ROASTED BOYTOY TO SUCK ON MY NUTS. 175LB, 7’3″ WITH TOPHAT, 8.5 INCHES UNSHELLED. SALT AND DRUG-FREE HERE, U B 2. Mr. Peanut, I’m flagging your post for miscategorized sexual desire!
Graphic Sexuality
September 6, 2009
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dear Breeder, you’ve wasted enough of my day talking about that one time that one guy gave you that one look, and how you were totally cool with it but that’s just not your scene. Are you seriously trying to open my mind about how open-minded you are? Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a few minutes to explain to you all the reasons I’m not comfortable with your “lifestyle choices.”
Tolerate that!
The New Adventures of the Old Testament
August 28, 2009That goddamn Bible! With its nonstop begatting and relentless thee-thou political agenda, this book has led to centuries of repression and grief for gays, and basically everyone else. Sure, there’s some good stuff in the second half: oversexed virgins, all-you-can-eat seafood suppers, and a half-naked savior with the kind of ripped torso and head of hair I’d sell my own mother for. But the first half? Well, let’s just say it’s no Da Vinci Code.
Considering the eco-friendly, Earth-conscious attitude we’ve all recently pretended to adopt, there must be some way to responsibly recycle and reuse all that perfectly good paper! As always, Breeder’s Digest is here to hold your hand as together we slide down that slippery slope to Hell once again, and for all eternity.
So, whip out your grandmother’s cherished family heirloom Bible (you know, the one with the fake gold inlay and those cute illustrations of lambs you used to masturbate to!), and let’s start tearing out the pages one by one—for a better, cleaner tomorrow! Once you let go of your hopelessly outmoded belief system, you’ll find you have tons of paper-thin paper on your hands perfectly suited for:
1. Picking up the random cat shit that mysteriously accumulates just outside the litter box.
2. Starting fires for at-home re-enactments of heartwarming scenes from Stephen King’s Firestarter.
3. Writing simply-worded fan letters to Courtney Love.
Straight to Hell in a perm basket.
4. Packed with fiber, the Bible makes a handy meat substitute-substitute for your next lesbian potluck!
5. Cut out words like “barley” and “shekel” for future use in ransom notes.
6. Is it winter solstice already? You know what that means—paper snowflake time!
7. Sometimes I like to throw pages of the Bible in the air and pretend it’s raining money!
Don’t forget your jazz hands, faggot!
8. Using twigs and masking tape, fashion your Bible into a makeshift kite. And remember—by adding a few small bits of metal, you’ll attract extra lightning bolts!
9. Fold individual pages into a series of origami sculptures depicting my fate when the Rapture strikes.
10. One word: cum rag city!
JK, JC! We still cool, right?
