Emotions « Breeder's Digest

Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

Total Lesbian Recall

October 3, 2009

Gee whiz, it’s hard out there for a straight. How can you possibly be innovative, when gays have already thought of everything? I mean, we give and give, and you just sit there twiddling your wife’s thumbs. To date, the only things you’ve managed to contribute to lesbian culture are khaki Dockers and Point Break. As usual, Dear Breeder, your best just isn’t good enough. We’ve taken a vote, and we want our stuff back now!

That’s why we’re officially instituting a TOTAL LESBIAN RECALL of all the things you’ve stolen from us over the years.

SERIAL MONOGAMY

You’ve really made a mess of this whole marriage thing, haven’t you? Haven’t you?! After all your self-righteous moralizing, it turns out you’re not even all that devoted to the institution you continue to clench in your cold, dead fists. Unlike you, however, our fists are alive and fisting! That’s because we prefer girlfriends to come in multiples, just like our orgasms. Our relationships are monogamous (like yours are supposed to be) because we don’t take part in your once-in-a-lifetime woman-trading ceremonies. By involving ourselves instead in a series of committed relationships, we know we’ve always got a replacement wife waiting in the wings. That’s right, we’ll be in charge of the woman-trading around here!

Dear Breeder: 1990 called, and a bunch of angry, militant, yet deeply-fulfilled lesbians want our serial monogamy back. Make up something on your own for once!

SHAVED HEADS

A shaved head never goes out of style if you’re one of the following: an aging NBA star looking to showcase elaborate, meaningless tattoos; a stepdad with something to prove; or, a man whose receding hairline can no longer be considered “intellectual.” Like most things, though, the shaved head started with lesbians. You see, shaved heads make for the clearest indication that a woman is gay, and therefore uninterested in male attention. It can be momentarily empowering to shave your head in this tried-and-true lesbian rite of passage (right, Natalie Portman?), but the real display of audacity comes when you look your withered grandparent in the eye and defiantly say, “The all-women’s college you broke your back to send me to isn’t what made me gay. I can’t help who I love!” Good thing every detail of your facial expression and scalp is unobstructed so Nana and Granddad can see that you didn’t just shave your head in a desperate effort to prove something to yourself. Something that you still haven’t quite figured out…

Dear Breeder: The suburbs called, and they say you’re shearing everything a little too obsessively—even the shrubs, who don’t give a flying fuck about your fading masculinity.

GOING GREEN, OR (RED)

This new hobby you’ve picked up of “considering” soy products and “recycling” your trashy straight trash is really over the top. Lesbians have been “deeply troubled” by Birkenstock—I mean, carbon—footprints since way before you were born. We cook our food and light our lights by the inexhaustible energy of lesbian drama, and then go to advanced spin cycle classes to relax. Next time you want to “go green,” Dear Breeder, why don’t you just go home and turn off eleven of your twelve TVs? And while you’re thinking about what a success you’ve become—what with all of your flat screens—why not stop and consider the thousands of lesbians who are making them, in sweatshops and sweat lodges across the globe?

Incidentally, Dear Breeder, this entire (RED) thing has got to go. It’s making me bo(RED). Lesbians have taken care of people with HIV forever, and even though their efforts have largely gone unnoticed, we’ve never demanded that our human kindness be enclosed in gratuitous parentheses and sold in high-end boutique malls. Frankly, I’m offended by this greedy, exploitative, and trendy appropriation of (AIDS). Though I will acknowledge that The Gap has served my people well in their consistent production of rugged quality plaids.

Dear Breeder: Bono just twittered @you to say that even a piece of toilet paper can be recycled for the Sudanese/Irish/Palestinian people, but it’s thanks to the foresight and earth-friendly ways of lesbians that you’re even facebook friends with him in the first place.

The list of things you’ve stolen from us could go on and on. The more I think about your relentless lesbian identity theft, the more it makes my head want to explode!

Hasta la vista, Breeder.

Tags:Bonkers for Bono, Going Green, Healthy Ways to Cope with Fading Masculinity, Lavendar Menace Cool, Lesbian Identity Theft, Rita Mae Frown and Her Magical Bag of Girlfriends, Serial Monogamy, Shaved Heads, Total Recall, Where did the NBA come from and why is it so bald?, Why Is Moby Such an Unapologetic Bulldyke?, Women-only Colleges
Posted in Emotions, Fashion, Heteronormativity, Lesbian, Social Studies | 2 Comments »

Sorry, You’re Gay

September 28, 2009

If Radclyffe Hall and Noël Coward were the same person…

Listen, sister. Your mixed nuts are giving me a lot of mixed signals, and it’s time you take a look in the mirror. Your monocle may be a cheeky nod to lesbian fashions of the 1920′s, but that long, skinny cane is nothing but a failed attempt at an imaginary phallus. In fact, your entire over-accessorized outfit does nothing but call you out as the raging dyke you truly are. Girl, you are so butch that if you had one more accessory, you could pass as Dudley Moore, who himself could pass as a lesbian any day of the week, even from beyond the grave. Did I say “grave,” meaning solemn or dignified? I wish. Instead, you’re having a spat attack and smiling like a drill team sergeant, which I’m assuming you were at some point in your life. For your own closeted sake, I hope to god those gloves are latex. Now, until you put on some relaxed khakis and a ball cap with a bent brim, I’m never talking to you at the liquor store again!

The case for gay marriage, in a nutshell.

There you go again, walking out of the county courthouse in broad daylight, your head held high, as if you hadn’t just spent the night in jail on charges of public lewdness and solicitation. Let’s face it, Mr. Peanut. If only you’d come out of the closet and live your life as an openly gay man (if not the gayest man on the planet), you might have more self-respect, and start wearing a dress like all self-respecting gay men do. You might be able to kick that nasty drinking habit, and stop hiding pints of Southern Comfort all over the house. You might not feel compelled to post the exact same ad, night after night, on craigslist: OLDER, REFINED GENTLEMAN SEEKS HONEY ROASTED BOYTOY TO SUCK ON MY NUTS. 175LB, 7’3″ WITH TOPHAT, 8.5 INCHES UNSHELLED. SALT AND DRUG-FREE HERE, U B 2. Mr. Peanut, I’m flagging your post for miscategorized sexual desire!

Tags:Closeted Gays with Lots of Problems, craigslist offences, Drill Team Realism, Dudley Moore Is a Lesbian, Liquor Store Altercations, Monocle Fashion, Mr. Peanut Comes Out of the Closet, Radclyffe Hall, Southern Comfort, Spats, The Great Dusty Hope of Latex
Posted in Emotions, Gay, Lesbian, Social Studies, You're out! | 1 Comment »

Graphic Sexuality

September 6, 2009

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dear Breeder, you’ve wasted enough of my day talking about that one time that one guy gave you that one look, and how you were totally cool with it but that’s just not your scene. Are you seriously trying to open my mind about how open-minded you are? Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a few minutes to explain to you all the reasons I’m not comfortable with your “lifestyle choices.”

Tolerate that!

Tags:3 Seconds to Infinity, Annoying Allies, Awkward Moments with Straight People, Gay Artists Struggle to Fake Basic Math Skills, Gay Boredom, Straight People Who Talk at Length about "Tolerance", The Downward Spirals of Gay Acceptance
Posted in Emotions, Gay, Heteronormativity, I'm Never Doing That Again!, Lesbian, Social Studies | 4 Comments »

Crime Scene: Anatomy of a Gay Anatomy!

August 9, 2009

Wanton criminals are everywhere these days, aren’t they? As the economy continues its downward slide, break-ins, muggings, and carjackings are on the rise. And for the first time ever, Dear Breeder, it isn’t only minority and fringe groups who feel unsafe on the streets. This crime wave affects upstanding, straight, white citizens like you, too. And I say it’s high time we finally do something about it!

The dangerous, uncertain tenor of our present socio-economic situation has affected us all in different ways. Perhaps some litter appeared one morning on the front lawn of your in-town mini-mansion. Perhaps a person of dubious ethnicity brushed past you on your way out of a trendy restaurant or co-operative grocery store.

“Give me all your money and about three pounds of organic pears!”

Whatever traumatic event brought you here today, Dear Breeder, we sure are glad you came. Here at the Breeder’s Digest School of Self-Defense and Urban Warfare, we intend to teach you the survival techniques you’ll need in order to avoid dangerous, potentially life-threatening interactions with the lower class! You and your loved ones will sleep better at night, knowing that our patented methods have been developed and perfected over years of hatred, abuse, and street violence aimed at homosexuals. We’ve done the work—so you don’t have to!

Lesson 1: “Leave your purse at home!”
Let us learn an important lesson from our sister-women-lesbian-sisters, ladies. The entire contents of your purse can be whittled down to little more than a fistful of cash, a carabiner with keys, and a single no-frills tampon. The next time you leave the house, make like a lesbian: anything that won’t fit in your front pants pocket should be properly secured in a holster at your side.

Lesson 2: “Never hold hands!”
You may think gays and lesbians are reluctant to hold hands on the street, because it tends to draw unwanted attention from a wide variety of haters. On the contrary! Gays and lesbians know that in the case of a sudden attack on the street, you’ll want to have both hands free, in order to shove your domestic partner or one-night stand away from yourself and toward your aggressor. Thank goodness I was wearing my running shoes that night!

Lesson 2.5: “In case of shark attack: stop, drop, and smolder!”

Lesson 3: “When in doubt, butch up!”
When encountering shadowy, underworld figures in darkened parking lots, we gays know it’s no time for an impromptu Bea Arthur trivia challenge. Instead, we try to look tough. We deepen our voices. We pop our collars, so as to appear larger and more threatening. We’ve learned over time that when danger lurks, it’s always best to make the first move. We therefore recommend, Dear Breeder, that you try screaming something at your would-be attacker. “Faggot” should do the trick. This will no doubt send him or her flying toward you in a hail of fists and weapons, thereby giving you the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your skill and mastery of the concepts of self-defense we’ve taught you here today.

Once you’ve successfully fended off your would-be assailant, or woken up in the emergency room, we promise you’ll find that self-defense—much like your collarbone—is a snap!

Stay safe!

Tags:Butch Up!, Crime Scene Investigation, Egregious Littering, Gay-on-Gay Crime, Gays Holding Hands, Homophobic Violence, Love-Hate Crimes, Purse As Weapon, Self-Defense, Theft of Organics
Posted in Emotions, Gay, Heteronormativity, I'm Never Doing That Again!, Lesbian, Social Studies | 1 Comment »

Leave it to Breeders

July 31, 2009

What primal scream therapy can’t accomplish for this family, Wife Swap will!

Oh my god, I wish I never would have opened the hatchback of this minivan, but I thought it was one of those lesbian treasure chests that Dodge used to make. Looks like some more sexist garbage washed up on the shores of Heterosexuality, John! Of course, “Mom” is holding an “orange inner tube” while Dad gets the handful of “patriarchal phallic power staff-rod-scepters.” What a surprise! But the real surprise is that little Ricky is a flaming homosexual who will NEVER leave Nantucket Sound, NOT FOR ANYTHING, EVEN IF KELLY CLARKSON HERSELF ASKED HIM TO. And don’t even get me started on the “twins”…

This family represents everything I think I hate about what I think I know about straight people! From their weekend getaways, to their lovely home in the woods, to their lifeless, pleading eyes, these breeders are totally busting my chops and loving it! The dad’s grown cold and distant, the daughters have learned to make themselves invisible, their son is clearly an out-of-control-teen, and mother’s too concerned with her own fluctuating weight gain to give a second’s thought to anyone else in the family. Oh yeah, there’s big problems here. I mean, seriously. He’s laughing in your face, Deborah!

Tags:"Twin Sisters", Dodge Lesbian Caravans, Gay Sons, Hating On Breeders to Make Yourself Feel Clever and Superior, Impulsive (Compulsory) Heterosexuality, Invisible Daughter Men, Kelly Clarkson, Sexist Garbage, Unfeeling Zombie People, Vague Geography of Nantucket
Posted in Emotions, Happy Halidays!, Heteronormativity, Leave It To Breeders, Social Studies | 1 Comment »

Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training

July 24, 2009

By now you’ve noticed that lesbians are a sensitive people, a people driven to extreme public expressions of emotion. You probably noticed this around the same time you noticed that lesbians cry about everything, anywhere, all the time. But what you should also know is that you too can benefit from Excessive Lesbian Feelings™. In fact, once you undergo Breeders Digest‘s lifetime guaranteed Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training, you will begin to see your straight happiness for what it is (mindless obedience) and start feeling again, thanks to better living through vicarious living.

Let’s start with the basics. Sometimes it’s clear why a lesbian is crying. Our dogs get sick. We spill white wine on white denim jackets we’ve had since the 80s. Our live-in girlfriends smash cherished collegiate Pilsner glasses into a thousand jagged pieces of danger. Any of these obvious events may prompt lesbians—and most of their friends—to cry.

Until now, only lesbians themselves have been aware of the more subtle causes of lesbian crying. Once you master these, you will be ready and willing to weave heterosexual gold from lesbian scrap metal. But be careful! Although weeping lesbians will always entertain you, there is nothing you can do once a Sapphic Sister is awash in her own tragic glee. Nothing but watch in awe at a species that has perfected the ancient arts of emotional catharsis and inappropriate public sobbing.

LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE HOME
Perceived Problem: UNAPPRECIATIVE PARTNER or LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS
Actual Problem: Living with others can be difficult
Lacrimal Response: Passive-Aggressive Sniffles
Accompanying Long-Winded Rants Begin With:
“The soy milk is…”
“How can you be so unaware of the way your defense mechanisms disrupt our domestic equilibrium?”
“It would be nice if you would acknowledge all of the work I put into this relationship/job/outfit/’94 Subaru…”

“Why do they always ask if we’re sisters?”

LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Oh, No You Didn’t: OFFENSIVE COMMENTS and THOUGHTS
Oh, Yes He Did: Workplace tensions and offensive comments often go hand in hand in a patriarchal society
Lacrimal Response: Bold-Faced Tears and a Lecture in ALL CAPS
And the Power Point says:
“I wish I never would have heard you talking that way about your wife, Ted. It hurts me to know that your sexist beliefs run so deep.”
“Well, the way the Bush regime approached…”
“You are a cultural appropriator, and my style is wholly original!!”

“They’ll never know how much work it took to turn this glass ceiling on its side!”

LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE ENVIRONMENT
Major Emergency: NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION or SUDDEN LACK OF DRAMA
Root Issue: Frustrated Theatrical Ambitions
Lacrimal Response: Projectile Crying and Slurred, Exaggerated Misery
Common Side Effects: Break-ups, Stabbings, Things Thrown from 2nd Floor Apartments or Car Windows, (Forest) Fires, Explosions.

A typical lesbian trust building activity.

LESBIAN SENSITIVITY ON THE TOWN
Ideal Settings for Lesbian Shitstorms: BEING AT A PARTY or BAR
Actual Cause: Being around other lesbians at a bar or party
Lacrimal Response: Gnashing of Teeth, Howling at Moon, Clawing at Eyes, and Punching Walls, Cars, or Oneself.
Things She Keeps Repeating:
“No one understands me!”
“I hate her!”
“I’m sorry I ruined your birthday or wedding!”

Un ballo in mascara

As you can see, Dear Breeder, it would behoove you to acquaint yourself with the nuances of lesbian crying, so that the next time you’re in a social space where lesbians will likely be present (i.e. bat mitzvahs, bathroom renovations, or airplane take-offs), you will be educated enough to appreciate a sudden, unexpected outpouring of Excessive Lesbian Feeling™. For, intellectualized amusement at the pain of others is the sweet fruit born of Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training.

Whenever a lesbian’s lips begin to tremble and tears begin to gather in her eyes, even crying babies fall into a respectful silence, allowing the lesbian to take center stage for what will certainly be a captivating performance full of vocal highs and personal lows.

This is what it sounds like when dykes cry.

Tags:Excessive Lesbian Feelings, Lesbian Bar Culture, Lesbian Drama, Lesbian Sensitivity, Lesbians and Crying, Lesbians: The Fabric of Our Lives, Passive-Aggressive Lesbianism, Projectile Crying, Schadenfreude as Homophobia, Sexism & Its Aftermath
Posted in Emotions, Health & Fitness, I'm Never Doing That Again!, Lesbian, Office Politics, Social Studies, The Workplace | 7 Comments »

It Could Happen to You!

May 14, 2009

A cute guy at the bar offers to buy you a drink; you accept, fearing it may be the last time this ever occurs.

You’re a lesbian at a paper store (imagine). Which has more “organic” appeal: card stock with a burnt umbre leaf press, or hand-pressed pumpkin inlay?

To relax, you have a glass of wine before bed. As you’re brushing your teeth, you decide to finish the bottle.

“I can’t believe I left all those Facebook comments at 4am!”

You are a gay male houseguest at your closest lesbian friend’s home. During indulgent bathroom time in her recently remodeled latrine, you pick up some electric clippers lying nearby and trim your beard. Halfway through, you realize she has long hair and her pubic clippers are on your face.

Who’s that in your local gay rag? Why, it’s you wearing something fabulous, and you make your friend look really cross-eyed. Way to go, you!

The line to sell back textbooks at the community college’s bookstore is taking forever. You realize you’re in your thirties.

The workshop you’ve been building for months in the backyard has been demolished by recent storms. Your partner, Pam, is at her wits’ end.

Lisa and Pam thought it best to make their worksite a safe space.

You’re surprised to run into an ex at your favorite yoga class. Will you encourage a group process, or sleep with her for revenge?

The dentist you’ve recently started seeing suggests that your gums may be receding. You hurry home to take a nap.

People you know and love are annoying, so you bum cigarettes from them until you think you’re even.

Tags:Drunk Facebook Comments, Gay Avoidance Tactics, Gay Situations, Homosexual Dilemmas, Indirect Communication, Lesbian Construction Sites, Revenge Sex, What's a little one-upping amongst friends?
Posted in Emotions, Gay, I'm Never Doing That Again!, Lesbian | 5 Comments »

Gay Dignity: Fact or Fiction?

April 30, 2009

There comes a time in every gay’s life, Dear Breeder, when he/she/ze must reflect on his/her/hizzie reputation. Usually, when that moment strikes, we’re too busy having mimosas or ruining our reputations to notice. Sure, we’ve all made questionable choices in our lives last night, but, more than most, we gays know that we only have…one life to live.

Pre-Aretha inauguration hats for women, by Service Merchandise.
Tina Fey, in an early dramatic role.

Whereas your dignity is held dutifully intact by your two-car garage or that 6-month period in which you had dental insurance, gays have a more tenuous relationship to dignity—that is, with the quiet struggle to live nobly without breaking a sweat. But, Dear Breeder, lest you forget, there’s a lot of pressure that comes along with being a gay.

The Princess Diarrheas
At least Lady Di understood…

For example, our day-to-day lives are consumed by countless moral quandaries. These may range from regretting those nasty remarks we made to the Wendy’s employee, to accidentally careening onto a busy sidewalk at rush hour and sideswiping your stroller (Sorry, I thought that stroller was a shark!). As I then speed away in my Mini Cooper, I reflect in the rearview mirror on the undignified corners we gays back ourselves into, simply to remind ourselves that we’re actually alive. All too often, those compromising situations involve 8-balls, group sex, and/or ruining relationships we’ve had for years. Sorry, we said we were sorry!

Toga Party at Trader Joe’s!
Desperately seeking Susan Lucci’s dignity.

The truth is that gay dignity is a very real myth. It’s only by turning up our noses at conventional decorum that we get some satisfaction for the often humiliating circumstances of our existence. That’s why we compel ourselves to construct rich fantasy worlds wherein the most dignified of gays will wear skinny vintage fashion belts, undergo complicated brain transplants over the course of a commercial break, replace ourselves with slightly older child actors, and harbor intricate revenge plots for more than three seasons. By vowing to live our lives from cliffhanger to cliffhanger in open-ended, episodic narrative arcs, we, the bold and the beautiful, the young and the restless, can summon the courage to spend the days of our lives in search of a guiding light, general hospital, or free clinic.

And if that doesn’t spell DIGNITY, Dear Breeder—well, I don’t know which letters do.

Emma

Tags:Days of Our Lives, Gay Dignity, Gay Ethics, Gay Mini Cooper Conspiracy Theory, Gay Ruination, Princess Diana, Skinny Fashion Belts For Beginners, Soap Operas, Stroller Panic, Stroller Sharks, Susan Lucci, The Fall of Rome, Tina Fey
Posted in Emotions, Gay, Genre, Lesbian | 3 Comments »

In Memoriam: Bea Arthur, 1922-2009

April 27, 2009

Bea Arthur was known to legions of fans the world over for her deadpan portrayal of Golden Girl Dorothy Zbornak, and for the bird of prey-like strength of her feet. Her unapologetically flamboyant style of dress (at a time when living one’s life as an openly gay man was to flirt with personal ruin and career disaster) necessitated its very own fashion vocabulary, inspiring such timeless phrases as “cowl neck,” “slouch boot,” and “turkey necktie couture.”

Bea’s fashion sense served as the primary inspiration for no fewer than seven Björk/Matthew Barney collaborations.
Bea Arthur as Lurkey Brown in Bertolt Brecht’s The Hennypenny Opera.

Of course, Bea was best known for her star turn on The Golden Girls (1985-1992), but her achievements on the stage and on the small screen don’t stop there. Bea initially made her name in the classic Off-Broadway production of The Threepenny Opera (1954), and went on to star in the original Broadway productions of Fiddler on the Roof (1964) and Mame (1966). In the 70’s, Bea created a sensation on TV, playing the ultra-liberal title character on Maude (1972-1978), a sitcom which boldly tackled such tough, now-obsolete issues as racism and women’s rights. Little public recognition has been given, however, for Bea’s fearless stunt work in Cannonball Run, and for her stunning portrayal of Chewbacca in the original Star Wars trilogy. Additionally, Bea was the first to introduce a 26-year-old Kristy McNichol to the sex act known as the “Empty Nest,” leading both actresses to a successful and intensely satisfying spin-off.

Arthur’s life-long struggle to accessorize came to a head on the set of this 1974 photo shoot.
The Empty Nest: Step One…

Unfortunately, the years took their toll on Bea’s health and wellbeing, and by the end of her life she was largely composed of donated plasma, gristle, and weave. Surrounded by friends and family, she finally lost her battle with cancer on Saturday, April 25, 2009. Bea’s body was instantly cremated by her own trademark slow burn.

In celebration of the life of this staunch supporter of animal rights, gay rights, and the rights of gay animals, Breeder’s Digest would like to offer you—the disembodied ghost of Bea Arthur—our highest honor: The Lifetime Achievement Award for Female Impersonation. You’ve more than earned it, with the legacy of overdone double-takes, superfluous musical numbers, asymmetrical blouses, and gravel-voiced laughter you leave behind.

In her later years, Bea worked as a stool sample model.
Bea’s celestial smocks make perfect Heaven wear!

Thank you for being a friend.

John

Tags:Bea Arthur, Breeder's Digest Lifetime Achievement Award for Female Impersonation, Maude, The Golden Girls, Turkey Necktie Couture, What will we do without you?
Posted in Emotions, Fashion, Gay, Genre, Lesbian, Love, Our Gay Crushes, You're out! | 7 Comments »

The Gaylist

April 14, 2009

In light of the censorship debate ushered in by Amazon.com’s recent online fiasco, Breeder’s Digest has decided to overtly ban books for being “too straight” and therefore perverse. Strike a match, ma! We’s havin’ us a old-timey book-burnin’!

1. The Giving Tree – Crypto-Nazi misogynist Shel Silverstein promised me many things when he penned this children’s classic. But I, for one, have yet to receive anything from his estate, despite my constant threats. That giving tree can be so withholding. Like some people whose names I won’t mention.

2. The South Beach Diet – If you’d ever get off your lazy ass and go to South Beach, you’d see that the local diet consists of booze, booze, and art-deco bathhouse booze. This book is officially gaylisted as being derogatory and homophobic!

3. The Secret – Here’s our little secret, bestselling author Rhonda Byrne, and you can tell whoever you want: You are the cheesiest straight person alive.

Books don't go platinum, but your hair sure did.
Your secret’s out: too much toner!

4. Chicken Soup for the Elderly Soul – This book did nothing but rub me the wrong way. From its large-print format to its in-depth discussion of the rickets, I quickly realized how much I miss my Gramma, and her intolerance of homosexuals. Gramma, you’ve just been gaylisted!

5. Charlotte’s Web – First of all, I don’t see what’s so special about this damn book. I’ve dated numerous pigs who practically talked their heads off, and not a single one of them ever placed at the State Fair. Plus, I hate spiders. Get out of my house!

6. TV Guide – This book pushes a straight agenda like there is no tomorrow. Except there is a tomorrow. And many empty days after that, all filled with hours of inane television programming. Sorry, Dear Breeder, no more “challenging” crossword puzzles to make you feel cultured—this book is gaylisted!

7. The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Screw you, Mitch Albom! The only five people I wanna meet in Heaven are Cher, Judy Garland, Terry Schiavo, Mr. T., and Gay Heath Ledger! See you in Hell, Robin Williams!

This photograph depicts an action sequence from an early episode of the A-Team.
“I pity the fool!”

8. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – Stop pretending. The only people who matter outside of this planet are gays. Because we are aliens. And we come in search of Uranus.

9. How to Win Friends and Influence People – Do straight people actually require a book to teach them how to have a personality? The answer is most often a resounding “yes,” but this book is gaylisted anyway because that is called CHEATING.

10. Twilight – Like other devastating plagues on the gay and lesbian community, the Twilight Series has cost too many of us our friends, our jobs, our grasp on reality. This erotic tale of Mormon social and sexual responsibility has taught a generation of gays that there is such a thing as going too far, and that it’s always worth the wait. Bite me, Twilight! You’ve just been gaylisted! Mitch Albom, sit down! I already dealt with you!

As we’ve clearly demonstrated, Dear Breeder, these books are a blight on contemporary literature, and deserve to be ignored into nonexistence. We’ve all learned, time and again throughout history, that if moral decay exists in society, discussion of it must be avoided at any cost. Amazon.com, thank you for showing us the true spirit of American censorship. And for quickly distracting us from that reality with free shipping and one-click payment options.

***OMG! WE JUST WON A GIFTCARD!***

Emma John

Tags:#amazonfail, Cher, Flaming Gay Bookburning Revenge, How to Win Friends and Influence People in An Even Gayer Way, The Giving Tree is a Heterosexual Mirage, The Heterosexual Literary Agenda, The South Beach Diet, Twilight
Posted in Emotions, Gay, Genre, Heteronormativity, Lesbian | 11 Comments »

Breeder's Digest

Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

It Could Happen to You!

Gay Dignity: Fact or Fiction?

In Memoriam: Bea Arthur, 1922-2009

The Gaylist

Follow Us @BreedersDigest

Recent Posts

Blogroll

Our Monthly Visitor

Hot Topics

Follow “Breeder's Digest”