Breeder's Digest

Dear Breeder,

Perhaps you stumbled upon this website in an attempt to enhance the profitability of the puppy mill you recently inherited from your Uncle Henry. Perhaps you stumbled upon this website while researching the primary function of the human stomach. Or perhaps, just perhaps, you stumbled upon this website because your brother, sister, “confirmed bachelor” uncle, or slow-pitch ladies softball coach recently came crashing out of the closet, and you (sensitive, compassionate, forward-thinking you) are actively trying to make some sense of the confusing and multifaceted world of gay and lesbian America. Whatever it was you plugged into your search engine of choice, welcome.

And congratulations! Exhibiting a mild interest in people unlike yourself can win you big points in your family, school, or office. Contrary to popular opinion, gay people love to see straight people do well for themselves. In that spirit, we—two well-educated and exceptionally well-groomed queers—have designed Breeder’s Digest so that you can pursue your mild interest in gays while hardly lifting a finger. It’s our belief that knowing just a little bit more about your gay, lesbian, and transgendered brothers, sisters and transgendered siblings will actually increase the level of privilege and satisfaction you currently enjoy. Even though we gays already design your clothes, do your hair, and make pretty things for you to look at and listen to, we here at Breeder’s Digest want to continue the tradition of gay people helping straight people help themselves.

So, sit back, crack open a brewskie (you still say that, right?), and most of all: Relax! Nothing makes gays and lesbians crankier and more difficult to deal with than undue anxiety and pressure. And most importantly, please don’t think this is an overly-elaborate attempt to convert you from your heterosexual lifestyle. The only person who wants to sleep with you less than us is your spouse.

Sincerely,

The Editors