Archive for July, 2011

Lesbians in the Mist: CSA Edition

July 19, 2011

As I’ve already explained in this blog and posted numerous times in the town square, lesbians are good friends to have. Doing neighborly favors comes just as naturally to lesbians as changing the course of Western literature came to famous lesbian authoress Marcel Proust. And just like Proust, we’re all too happy to assist in building multi-tiered decks, making Dolly Parton seem androgynous, and dog-sitting for entire lunar cycles—without losing a lick of temps! Sure, all of this sounds good but, you may find yourself asking, How do I meet these gentle, bighearted creatures? What do they look like? How can I make them notice me?

Well, Dear Breeder, for once you’re asking the straight kinds of right questions! And now it’s time to do what you really know how to do: HUNT.

A low-key, summertimery place to track industrious, useful lesbians is at your local community supported agriculture (CSA) project. I know you think you can smell a co-op or pyramid scheme from a mile away, but I swear it’s not like that this time. Just put your $40,000 baby back in that $300 stroller and look around you, Dear Breeder—look deeper into the mist! There, can you see it? Behind the barrels of organic, expensive but free-range agriculture and dairy products? Yes, an entire world of civic-minded, green-thumbed lesbians is right at your fingertips!

Supermarket Schlep

Here are a few things you’ll want to check off your grocery list if you want to get a lesbian in your crosshairs in time to let her carry your groceries out to the car for you.

Marking Your Territory: Open Season
If your CSA offers a choice of days to pick up your bounty of fresh, locally grown produce, trust me: Choose the weekend not the weekday date. Choosing the right hunting season will magnify your chances of casually encountering a casually-dressed lesbian by about 400%. The reason for this is that locally-grown lesbians, like American Black Bears, are a hibernating species. Lesbians lie dormant during the week (apart from their tireless work at the non-profits that make your city worth living in) so that they may rise again, well-rested, for their weekend-long pursuits: like hiking the Appalachian Trail in a few days, feeding the homeless the food you don’t eat, or hosting weekend-long BBQ binges that make your college Greek life look like naptime at the lesbian-run charter school up the street.

Baiting the Trap: Pattypan Squash
Have you ever heard of this varietal of squash before, Dear Breeder? Do you know sixteen different ways to make this into a delectable side dish (or chilled wine) that will make your neighbor, boss, or high school crush willing to do anything (and I do mean anything) to get invited to the Labor Day party that your soon-to-be lesbian bestie is going to plan for you and then not attend? I didn’t think so. Pay attention.

“I never knew anal could be so…comfortable!”

Proper Hunting Attire: Take Off That Visor
You may be surprised to know that the only thing lesbians like to see visors on are LPGA golfers—and even then only during televised tournaments. You hear me? Do NOT wear a visor when trying to lure a lesbian into your “kill zone.” No visors are allowed on strollers, heads, or strapped to your hip like those straight cell phone holsters you carry around with you everywhere. To the lesbian tribe, straight people wearing headgear is weak and lazy. Once confronted with tacky shade, we will retract and fly away like a flock of demented birds, after a Hitchcockian fashion.

Going in for the Kill: Your Go-To Conversation Line
Next time you bump elbows with a hungry-eyed lesbian of the wild in front of the cheese-choosing fridge, go ahead, ask her what she thinks of a Palestinian embargo. Ask her about Hillary Clinton. Seriously, break the ice with an enticing question about the evolution of American folk music. I guarantee she’ll have you laughing all the way to the bank—by which I mean your cheesy, undomesticated Lexus—with promises of giving you clippings from her award-winning garden, or teaching your kid how to read any number of romance, or lost, languages. For FREE.

Hemingway: Professional Lesbian Hunter

Before long, you’ll have a stable of reliable, hard-working lesbians mounting tofu on your wall, providing you with the kind of backyard, emotional support you really need. And by the end of the day, you’ll realize that friendships with lesbians are like investment strategies that you’ll never have to shell out for, wild adventures akin to unaccompanied safari in foreign lands. We will give and give, just out of the kindness of our well-worn hearts. All we ask in return is for you to stop referring to our significant others as our “friends.” And maybe for that extra basil puree/rack of ribs it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to eat, anyway.

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Posted in Health & Fitness, Lesbian, Social Studies | Leave a Comment »

How to Talk to Homosexuals

July 6, 2011

How many times have you found yourself at the florist, Dear Breeder, or the fabric store or off-track betting parlour, and wished you could communicate more effectively with the obvious homosexual working behind the counter? You’ve seen him give vigorous, award-winning customer service to other floral enthusiasts/stay-at-home seamstresses/gambling addicts. What’s so wrong with you?

You and millions of clueless heterosexuals just like you are not alone, Dear Breeder. That’s why I’ve drawn up a few handy tips, to help you get the service you’ve come to expect from the minority group you’ve come to despise. Once you’ve got the hang of these basic guidelines, I guarantee you’ll be thinking, talking, and acting like a homosexual in no time!

Without any of that sinful wriggling around in feces your religious leaders and congresswomen can’t help but picture us engaged in, of course…


“Wait a minute, you mean most nights you guys just
make dinner and argue about what’s on tv?”

First, take a deep breath and picture yourself in the homosexual’s shoes, platform boots, or gardening clogs, as the case may be. To demonstrate your newly-feigned sense of empathy, you should begin the conversation with a simple, yet heartfelt apology. It doesn’t matter what for, just make something up. Remember, it’s not a lie if you yourself don’t believe it. This may seem counterintuitive, Dear Breeder, but once you too have spent an entire shared cultural history diminishing and making amends for your very existence, I think you’ll find that the words “I’m sorry” roll right off the tongue.

Next up, try lightening the mood with a joke. We gays spend a lot of time brooding about all the many ways we’ve been wronged, and love nothing more than a hearty chuckle at the end of a long, humiliating day of public visibility. And don’t worry about bringing your A game! We gays will laugh at almost anything, even if your material is as tired as Dan Choi’s Grindr profile.

Pushy activist seeks same for steamy equal rights fantasy play.

Finally, take every opportunity to pepper your language with what little gay slang you’ve managed to cobble together over the years. I’m not asking you to become fluent in Polari overnight, simply suggesting that, under the right circumstances, a well-timed “Queen, please!” will go a very long way toward getting what you want. (As may a casual reference to hot yoga and butternut squash, depending on the gender aspect of the listener.) Best case scenario, you’ve cracked the code and made yourself a new friend! Worst case scenario, you’ll come across as the incoherent, babbling member of the general public we’ve already pegged you to be. Either way, it’s another victory for modern gay rights!

If, after several attempts, none of these techniques has proven effective, Dear Breeder—take heart. It’s not your fault. Like Navajo, ours is a language impossible to master unless you were born into it. We gay people communicate through a finely-woven tapestry of verbal and nonverbal cues: elaborate series of low-frequency throttles and rumblings, high-pitched buzzings and hisses, pheremonal signals and glandular secretions. And of course, our patented Ojos Brillanticos™ Technology.

Our eyes are the windows to the closed doors of our parents’ souls.

When all else fails, just keep on grumbling, pointing at things, and sweating all over the counter. The gay-in-charge will eventually figure out what you want—most likely by rolling his eyes and deciding for you. And when you get home and find you have to explain to your wife why the minivan is stuffed with lemon yellow crinoline or silk magnolias or losing pull-tabs, I strongly suggest you take a reflective moment, look into her eyes, and tell her you’re sorry.

Just like I taught you.

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Posted in Emotions, Gay, Heteronormativity, Signs & Symbols, Social Studies, The Workplace | 1 Comment »

The Froth of July

July 1, 2011

As every red-fearing, god-blooded American knows, there’s nothing gay about the Fourth of July. Nothing at all. In fact, the only thing more heteronormative than the largely incoherent celebration of our own oblivious patriotism is the landscape of Matthew McConaughey’s dreams. Yep, we’re sure you’ve got everything covered for the long weekend: a twelve-pack of Corona Light (with matching board shorts), hamburger patties that have been frozen since the Bush Administration, and a sneaking suspicion that you may in fact be The World’s Greatest Dad.

But there’s one item we hope you haven’t left behind in the garage, Dear Breeder: your unassailable heterosexuality. The last thing you want at the family barbecue/shooting range/racist block party is for someone to think you’re of the violet persuasion!

“Can you believe how much fudge I packed into this cake?”
“I know, and just look how everyone’s weenies plumped up!”

In the spirit of totally-Platonic brotherly camaraderie, we’ve come up with a few tips to help you and your loved ones avoid any embarrassing sexual orientation mix-ups during this weekend’s inescapable pageant of frustrated masculinities!

  • Don’t look too longingly at the franks but also try not to stare at the buns.
  • Always demand to see the boat first, before accepting invitations to participate in group watersports.
  • When sampling deviled eggs from a lesbian aunt or cousin, don’t make a dumb comment about her smart pantsuit. Just trust us on this one.
  • Never allow your sparklers—not even for a moment!—to twinkle. The trick is to deaden your eyes.
  • Why mock a toddler when you can punch a bald eagle?
  • Bocce balls are for Europeans, wimps, European wimps, and people who refer to themselves as “European-Americans” (read: wimps). Stick to horseshoes, the less intellectual choice this Fourth of July.

So, fire up the grill, unfold your canvas folding chair, and kick off this Fourth with a frothy fifth of Seagram’s Seven! Now you can really cut loose, knowing that the homophobic panic and unshakable paranoia of American manhood will be kept firmly in check through yet another family holiday. And don’t forget to bring along a designated driver, or at least keep some bail money in the glovebox, while you’re celebrating the many freedoms this great land of ours promises to someday promise us!

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Posted in Emotions, Gay, Happy Halidays!, Heteronormativity, Holidays, Leave It To Breeders, Social Studies | 1 Comment »

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