As of today, our blog is officially one year old! To celebrate, we’re throwing the biggest, messiest, bloodiest GAY BASH ever! Unlike the gay bashings you’re used to taking part in, Dear Breeder, we’ll wake up from this one with all our teeth still in our heads, and without the need for a hate crime bill to protect us (eleven years after the fact)!
We hope you and the kids can’t make it, Dear Breeder, but if you can, you’ll get to meet some of our favorite personalities from blogs past!
Melissa Etheridge – We’ve definitely missed you, Missy. You got us into a LOT of trouble this year, which is why we’ll have to ask the members of your Fan Club to wait outside while you party with us, solo-acoustic-style! We really don’t want to have to offend anyone again, but between your erratic fashion choices and the catty lesbians who doggedly support your career, we can’t have our guests getting kicked off your message board all night, for flagrantly violating the terms of use! We never imagined your fan base would be so sensitive to our devil-may-care stereotyping of lesbian pop icons! Also, can you come over early and fix this wobbly table leg?
Bea Arthur – Don’t you hate giving out directions to your house, Bea? Especially since you’ve recently moved (to Heaven). How would you feel if we propped you up against a tree in the front yard, and tied a few streamers to your head? That way everyone will know which house is ours, and you’ll have the chance to reprise your career-defining role as a cold, stiff, shriveled-up harpy. Feminism may not be dead, but you sure are!
Stevie Nicks – We hate to make our guests work during a party, but how could we possibly plan a game of “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” without your help? Your shawls and petticoats and various layers of fabric will make the perfect blindfolds, and your compulsive spinning will leave every player weaving dizzily toward the giant poster of professional donkey face, Christine McVie! We’ll bring the candles, Stevie, if you bring the blow!
“I’m so high, I’m seeing spots!”
girlfriend is a homo – Sisters, please! You know you fellow bloggers are the guests of honor at our imaginary party. We don’t even care how drunk you get or how many of our exquisite gay items you accidentally break as the evening gets progressively messier, and the police are inevitably summoned. Just remember, “I was blogging about Jenny Shimizu” always makes for an airtight alibi!
Martina Navratilova – Martina, things may get a little out of hand at this party, and you’re the only person we know who has a first aid kit in her pocket knife. Would you mind keeping an eye on things tonight? For old times’ sake?
Lady Gaga – Let’s stop playing these LoveGames, Gaga. Our mutual apathy toward each other only belies the fact that we kind of adore you and you basically have no idea who we are. But that’s cool. Since you’ll probably arrive dressed as a circus clown anyway, would you mind blowing up a few balloons? Or better yet, just wearing some?
Bubbles McGaga is also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
Mr. Peanut – Seeing as how you already spend most of your free time cruising men’s rooms and rest stops, Mr. Peanut, we think you’ll make the perfect bathroom attendant at our party. You’re well-dressed, gentlemanly, and nearsighted to a fault. Still, we know you can at least make out blurry shapes and some colors through that monocle. NOW, QUIT CHECKING OUT MY JUNK!
Nancy Drew – We really hope you’ll unwind tonight and relax with us under the palm fronds, ice sculptures, and barred exits that make our parties inescapably unique. There’s no reason at all for you to follow your nose (and Stevie Nicks) into the men’s bathroom, to investigate what that white powder is. You’re off duty tonight, Nance! Instead, why don’t you put your mind to getting to the bottom of…that bottle of Wild Turkey? We swear, it’s haunted!
Elizabeth Taylor – We’ll put anything you want on the rocks for you, Ms. Taylor! Including all eight of your marriages! But would you mind doing us a favor, Lucky Liz? Would you be a doll and garnish everyone’s cocktails with these DIAMOND GOLD swizzle sticks and CANTALOUPE balls? You’ll be parked by the bar all night anyway!
“The bottle said Bacardi Limon, but I didn’t expect it to be THIS blond!”
Finally, we extend a VIP invitation to all the “adolescent girls who shave their pussies and have sex with horses” out there. According to our blog stats, you’re the search term that brings us the most traffic on a daily basis, even though we’ve never actually written about you. Inexplicably, those search terms link to our post on Linda Ronstadt. Guess we know what that says about her fan base!
Thanks for reading!
