Nothing goes with heather gray cotton and denim quite like an outdoor walk with dogs! Talk about a walking cliché… This metrosexual family really knows how to stroll! Looks like they got their J.Crew delivery in the mail and decided to make use of it the only way anybody knows how: pair it with a black shoe, take it out to the woods, and enjoy how casual life can be. But the looks on the kids’ faces show that they’ve had it with Mom and Dad’s catalog lifestyle. They’re looking forward to an adolescence filled to the brim with rebellion, quitting things, and possible homosexuality. Cerberus, the family’s two-sometimes-three-headed dog, will be a trusty companion during those years of lackluster efforts and pointed avoidance of overpriced wash n’ wear.
Children have an inherent ability to sense danger from miles away. Scientists theorize it’s because they’re so much closer to the ground. I theorize it’s because they haven’t yet learned to deaden their feelings, to bury their emotions deep inside and then smother them with chicken casserole. Bob shouldn’t have had that second helping at dinner. And Marcia shouldn’t have served it up so readily. The children were fussy. They wouldn’t finish their meals, and all but refused to leave the house for the family’s customary after-dinner walkabout. “But kids,” Marcia had pleaded, “You love looking at the changing leaves. It’s—educational.” That was when disaster struck, hurtling toward them like a bolt from the blue. Another innocent family had fallen prey to…suburban wolf attack! The neighbors might have been able to hear their screams, if only everything in this picture wasn’t so muted.
Tags: Adolescent Rebellion, American Walks as Staged Photo Ops, Casseroles and Heterosexual Sluggishness, Cerberus Will Lead You Home, Children and Danger, J. Crew Catalog Lifestyles, Suburban Wolf Attacks
October 23, 2009 at 11:51 am |
a grey tshirt IS the first step . . .
November 2, 2009 at 3:33 pm |
Very funny. Both versions.
But now I’m ashamed.
And covering up our 2004 family photo, in which we’re all wearing matching black sweaters and casual blue jeans, so that future generations know how fun we were as a family.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER MADE US DO IT!
Effing bitch.
The true photo version of my metrosexual family…
Me bent over an oven, pulling out a once frozen cheese pizza, one dog licking my ankle, the other dog licking the first dog, my kids cussing up a storm because they hate doing homework, and Tom blissfully elsewhere, pulling bloody teeth out of heads.
I think I could put that together in a collage.
Perhaps our Christmas card? No letter this year, and no return address, either.
p.s. We also have a cat and two ponies with very long shlongs to cram into that traditional family photo.
November 2, 2009 at 4:29 pm |
Dear Ange,
Thank god I’m gay!
Love,
BD