We’re all familiar with the tried and true line straight people use to get out of having sex with one another: “Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.” And sure, Dear Breeder, it may have gotten you out of the occasional tight spot, literally or figuratively as the case may be. But what you probably don’t realize is that, due to the dangerously high levels of endorphins coursing through our veins and our ability to release stored-up tension with a single, well-timed bon mot, gay men and lesbians never, ever get headaches. Instead, we’re forced to come up with increasingly outlandish excuses to avoid obligatory sex with our respective loved (or despised) ones. Let’s take a little stroll through the Breeder’s Digest Gay Excuse Hall of Fame, shall we?
“Shh! You’ll make the soufflé fall!”
“How dare you spend so much time making small talk with the mail carrier!”
“I just don’t respect you anymore.”
“You know how important it is to me that the butternut squash is planted in time for the harvest celebration.”
“The dog or cat just spilled or ate all our sex lube or condoms!”
“I can feel your mother staring at me.”
“Why does everything have to be a competition with you? For god’s sake, this isn’t Wimbledon, Martina!”
“The lifestyle to which you’ve accustomed me has caused me to become spoiled and sullen.”
Next time you need an excuse to get out of giving or receiving that H, B, or R job, Dear Breeder, feel free to think outside the box! In no time, we guarantee you’ll be off doing something you really enjoy—like cheating on your spouse!
Tags: Dog In the Bed, Founding Members of Luscious Jackson, Gay Excuse Hall of Fame, How to Get Out of Having Sex, Lesbians: How to Make Sweaters Out of Compost, Martina NavratiLOVER, Radical Faeries R Us, Rodney Dangerfield's Stone Butch Rip-Off, Wondering about Crabs?
November 7, 2009 at 6:37 pm |
Let’s face it, infidelity is the best sex.