Can you spot the 19,362 differences between these three pictures?
Hint: She’s on the right!
Archive for October, 2009
Seek n’ Hunt!
October 29, 2009Leave it to Breeders
October 22, 2009
Nothing goes with heather gray cotton and denim quite like an outdoor walk with dogs! Talk about a walking cliché… This metrosexual family really knows how to stroll! Looks like they got their J.Crew delivery in the mail and decided to make use of it the only way anybody knows how: pair it with a black shoe, take it out to the woods, and enjoy how casual life can be. But the looks on the kids’ faces show that they’ve had it with Mom and Dad’s catalog lifestyle. They’re looking forward to an adolescence filled to the brim with rebellion, quitting things, and possible homosexuality. Cerberus, the family’s two-sometimes-three-headed dog, will be a trusty companion during those years of lackluster efforts and pointed avoidance of overpriced wash n’ wear.
Children have an inherent ability to sense danger from miles away. Scientists theorize it’s because they’re so much closer to the ground. I theorize it’s because they haven’t yet learned to deaden their feelings, to bury their emotions deep inside and then smother them with chicken casserole. Bob shouldn’t have had that second helping at dinner. And Marcia shouldn’t have served it up so readily. The children were fussy. They wouldn’t finish their meals, and all but refused to leave the house for the family’s customary after-dinner walkabout. “But kids,” Marcia had pleaded, “You love looking at the changing leaves. It’s—educational.” That was when disaster struck, hurtling toward them like a bolt from the blue. Another innocent family had fallen prey to…suburban wolf attack! The neighbors might have been able to hear their screams, if only everything in this picture wasn’t so muted.
Excuses, Excuses
October 20, 2009We’re all familiar with the tried and true line straight people use to get out of having sex with one another: “Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.” And sure, Dear Breeder, it may have gotten you out of the occasional tight spot, literally or figuratively as the case may be. But what you probably don’t realize is that, due to the dangerously high levels of endorphins coursing through our veins and our ability to release stored-up tension with a single, well-timed bon mot, gay men and lesbians never, ever get headaches. Instead, we’re forced to come up with increasingly outlandish excuses to avoid obligatory sex with our respective loved (or despised) ones. Let’s take a little stroll through the Breeder’s Digest Gay Excuse Hall of Fame, shall we?
“Shh! You’ll make the soufflé fall!”
“How dare you spend so much time making small talk with the mail carrier!”
“I just don’t respect you anymore.”
“You know how important it is to me that the butternut squash is planted in time for the harvest celebration.”
“The dog or cat just spilled or ate all our sex lube or condoms!”
“I can feel your mother staring at me.”
“Why does everything have to be a competition with you? For god’s sake, this isn’t Wimbledon, Martina!”
“The lifestyle to which you’ve accustomed me has caused me to become spoiled and sullen.”
Next time you need an excuse to get out of giving or receiving that H, B, or R job, Dear Breeder, feel free to think outside the box! In no time, we guarantee you’ll be off doing something you really enjoy—like cheating on your spouse!
Lost and Found at the National Equality March
October 16, 2009We don’t know about you, but over here at Breeder’s Digest we’re still pulling ourselves together after last weekend’s National Equality March in D.C.! We never knew that living history could be so much like just living our lives! The numbers are still coming in, but it appears that anywhere from 17 to 250,000 gay people just like us descended on our nation’s capitol. In order to get a better sense of all that we gained from this public demonstration of gay solidarity, we must first take stock of all that was left behind.
If any of the following items belong to you, please let us know…
- One oven mitt, a baker’s dozen of vegan honey butter croissants
- One tear-stained copy of Khalil Gibran’s “Sand and Foam”
- One unfinished sign reading “Gays Will Not Rest Until”
- Kim Cattrall
“Who’s here for Cindy’s alternative lifestyle affirmation ceremony?!”
- Nineteen handfuls of glitter
- Nineteen copies of Mariah Carey’s Glitter on Blu-Ray
- 165 iPhones, 11 complete sets of Crate & Barrel mixing bowls, and 47 pairs of 2(x)ist underwear
- One copy of Socialist Protest Chants inscribed “This book belongs to Josh!”
- Handwritten notes for Lady Gaga’s groundbreaking (and ear-shattering) speech
Blue means scream, green means grass.
- The shadow of Cleve Jones, predicting 6 more weeks of gay winter
- Something about Maine
- Abandoned HOPE and loose CHANGE
- Joe Solmonese’s toupette
He might not be able to drive a movement, but he sure can drive a clutch!
Incidentally, there are still loads of baby dykes lounging on the lawn of the Capitol Building, waiting to find (or in some cases, lose) their nascent identities. And can someone please come claim Lady Gaga? She’s still talking…
Liveblogging Obama’s Speech at the HRC Dinner: Three Days Later
October 12, 2009Now we know that the only thing of substance President Obama had to say to the chic gays who could afford to attend one American dinner party was that he “urges” Congress to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Otherwise, the historical buzzwords and hypothetical scenarios of gay equality left us with a bad taste in our mouths. And not the usual one. And not just because our press passes fell through. In case you missed the President’s speech, here’s our official play-by-play of what went down before the uppity crowd.
8:11: Obama thanks everyone alive, including the Ambassador to Samoa and the Girl Scouts of America who invented the Samoa. He also gives a tip of the hat to Tipper Gore. Is it a Betsey Johnson original?
8:12: Obama breaks the ice with a Lady Gaga joke, which reminds the crowd of why they paid $250 to be there. To remind them why they really should be there, Obama makes the first of several generic Stonewall references.
8:13: Obama finally says the word “transgender.” This is met with blank looks from well-to-do gay men wearing corsages in the audience.
8:13:30: Obama finally acknowledges LGBT PTA members, a voiceless minority of family makers with a lot of clout.
8:14: Is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat? Or are we dreaming?
8:15: Obama acknowledges HIV without actually saying the words “HIV,” “AIDS,” or “(RED)”.
8:16: Obama announces that he is there with us in the fight (except that he has an all-access pass, and we don’t). He’s also there with lesbians in sports bars and bras across the country.
8:16:30: Obama opens up about his lack of progress, and about the value of clichés involving friendship.
8:16:45: BEING GAY IS LIKE BEING BLACK. His words, not ours.
8:17: His tie subtly reinforces that he is attending a black tie affair.
8:17:30: Obama blames the economy mostly on gays, partly on Iraq and Afghanistan.
8:18: Obama once again alludes to the benefits of having gay neighbors. We help you rake your yard!
8:18:30: Obama’s commitment is unwavering. His lips, however, are wavering.
8:19: Gay men in the audience keep standing up, wondering aloud, “Who do I have to blow to get a drink in this place?”
8:19:30: More fluffy pandering, met with great fanfare.
8:20: “A union in which gay Americans are an important part.” – President Obama
8:20:02: “Huh?” – Us
8:21: Matthew Shepard’s name is exploited, as Obama promises to pass a bill which should have been passed 11 years ago. Obama says that Shepard’s parents “never gave up.” Then, Obama tries to say that activists “never gave up” but accidentally says “gayed up” and it is hilarious, people!
8:22: Obama scandalously suggests that no one should have to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love. He’s finally taking a stand!
8:24: Ever since the Obamas got that diva dog, he’s become even better at throwing bones!
8:26: Are we hearing a recycled campaign speech or is Obama wearing a Betsey Johnson hat or are we still dreaming?
8:27: Obama proclaims “issues of gays raise great emotion in this country” while appearing emotionless. This wordsmith sure knows how to circumvent ugly words like “homophobia” and “gay panic”!
8:28: Okay, we still need to remember that the President had to have someone write a speech addressing a bunch of rich gay queens. HILARIOUS!
8:29: President Obama repeats the first half of speech, hopes the gays won’t notice. They don’t.
8:29:30: Obama gets confused and starts saying things he says to straight people about insurance.
8:29:45: Obama boldly tries to unite his Christian right, homosexual left, and ambidextrous Asian-American constituents by inviting one and all to this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll.
8:30: Obama makes a graceful transition from Christian lawn games to our country’s cherished collective memories of the Stonewall Rebellion.
8:31: In true politico form, Obama embarks on a Touching Personal Story (or TPS) centered around a woman named Jean. This is clearly a story about how bad homophobia can happen to good people, but all we want to know is: Are you dishing us the untold story of JEAN SMART??
8:32: You fooled us again, Obama! Turns out, Jean was one of the co-founders of PFLAG in 1973. Obama knows that gays love acronyms (LGBTQ, HRC, STFU) and that the mere mention of PFLAG never fails to bring misty tears to the faces of gays who have all suffered some form of familial homophobia. God, we love clapping at our own courage!
8:33: Obama starts wrapping things up by describing a hypothetical, imaginary scenario in which a young man in an unnamed country (Yugoslavia? Belarus?) is kept awake at night, tormented either by restless leg syndrome or by the lack of basic human rights his backwards, hopelessly out-of-touch native land (Bosnia? Egypt?) is willing to afford him as a homosexual.
8:33: Ripping a page from the Whitney Houston playbook, Obama passionately asserts that children will lead the way into the future, but fails to address the immediate needs of actual adults for whom a lack of civil rights is more than just an opportunity to make small talk with Lady Gaga while eating poached salmon and wearing an Armani tux.
8:35: Last, Obama charms us with a quick sign-off. Another triumph for political pandering, overt emotional manipulation, and the idea that change is something to be continually hoped for.
The End of Tyranny
October 10, 2009
And sometimes Y? Not on my watch!
Fantastical Protest Getaway
October 10, 2009I can’t believe I’m actually here at the National Gay Equality March! I feel like Cinderella at the ball, but only in this version, Cinderella is actually the Prince. And this Prince wears denim, pirate pants, and flashy discount sneakers! I drove to D.C. with three of my best friends, and we’re staying in a hotel that’s simply magical! In fact, I think that’s what it’s called–just look at the picture below. Also, we were even given a royal name when we checked into the hotel: “Press”. It’s written on our badges and embroidered into our fluffy pillows! I think it’s French!
Oh my, everything is just wonderful!
Wait until I find out it’s all just a beautiful façade!
Usually when I go to protests–and believe me, I’ve been to a lot of marches and squat-ins and spinning classes because I consider it a part of my lesbian heritage–I tend to find myself surrounded by at least eight unshowered lesbians in a van with no seats. But not this time!
I keep looking out the window (or maybe it’s a mirror?), asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this fairy tale protest march experience?”
And you know what? All I had to do was be gay. It was that easy.
Enjoy your stay!
(I’m Staying in Room 628)
October 10, 2009Dear Lieutenant Dan Choi,
I saw you last night, staring at me from across the crowded bar in the Madison Hotel, where we’re both staying while in D.C. Did you think I wouldn’t notice you casting sidelong glances in my direction?
And the occasional sidelong grimace…
This has got to stop, Dan. You’ve been emailing me for months now, urging me to join your cause, to support you in your time of need, to link metaphorical arms (and actual ones, I hope) in the struggle for gay equality. But give it to me straight. Unlike all those military people I think I’ve seen in movies about the military, I can handle the truth. I know you’ve been emailing other people. What’s up with that? I thought this was real. I thought there was something between us.
Could it be that I’m just another name on a listserve to you? That you’re a major gay icon, whose impressively-decorated military career suffered as a direct result of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” and I’m merely a low-level blogger who happens to be staying in the hotel headquarters of the National Equality March?
Call me sometime?
Nation In Crisis: Breeder’s Digest Goes to Washington
October 9, 2009Someone call 911! Our civil rights slipped in the shower! And we’re not taking it anymore!
After decades of gay oppression, we at Breeder’s Digest have decided to take matters into our own hands, and fix all our nation’s problems in one weekend. That’s why we’re on an emergency roadtrip to Washington D.C. to attend the National Equality March.
Look how many of us there may or may not be!
Top 10 Things We Want to Do While in D.C.
1. Shop for high-end fashions in low-end chain stores at the National Mall.
2. Pay homage to our first gay President by visiting the Lincoln Memorial.
3. Go down on the Washington Monument.
4. Take a trip to the Smithsonian Institution, and search Amelia Earheart’s plane for signs of lesbianism. You can’t hide forever, Earheart!
5. Buy an Obama-scented candle from a street vendor and/or street person.
6. Avoid those District of Colombian drug cartels we’ve heard so much about in the news.
7. Whale-watching off Puget Sound.
8. Get cruised by a Senator while admiring his wingtips and wide stance.
9. Read Maya Angelou aloud to each other as we lounge beneath the full bosom of a cherry blossom tree.
10. Stand up and be counted as proud American citizens who happen to drive German cars, admire clean Scandinavian design, make love like ancient Greeks, and harbor Socialist ideals bordering on outright Communism.
Are gays too easily distracted to liveblog a major national event? Can our nation’s capitol handle our delicate constitutions? Can our delicate constitutions handle our nation’s capitol?
Stay tuned to see what happens in the next installment of Nation In Crisis: Breeder’s Digest Goes To Washington. Or, follow us in even real-er time at @HomoSentences and VelvetPark.
Total Lesbian Recall
October 3, 2009Gee whiz, it’s hard out there for a straight. How can you possibly be innovative, when gays have already thought of everything? I mean, we give and give, and you just sit there twiddling your wife’s thumbs. To date, the only things you’ve managed to contribute to lesbian culture are khaki Dockers and Point Break. As usual, Dear Breeder, your best just isn’t good enough. We’ve taken a vote, and we want our stuff back now!
That’s why we’re officially instituting a TOTAL LESBIAN RECALL of all the things you’ve stolen from us over the years.
SERIAL MONOGAMY
You’ve really made a mess of this whole marriage thing, haven’t you? Haven’t you?! After all your self-righteous moralizing, it turns out you’re not even all that devoted to the institution you continue to clench in your cold, dead fists. Unlike you, however, our fists are alive and fisting! That’s because we prefer girlfriends to come in multiples, just like our orgasms. Our relationships are monogamous (like yours are supposed to be) because we don’t take part in your once-in-a-lifetime woman-trading ceremonies. By involving ourselves instead in a series of committed relationships, we know we’ve always got a replacement wife waiting in the wings. That’s right, we’ll be in charge of the woman-trading around here!
Dear Breeder: 1990 called, and a bunch of angry, militant, yet deeply-fulfilled lesbians want our serial monogamy back. Make up something on your own for once!
SHAVED HEADS
A shaved head never goes out of style if you’re one of the following: an aging NBA star looking to showcase elaborate, meaningless tattoos; a stepdad with something to prove; or, a man whose receding hairline can no longer be considered “intellectual.” Like most things, though, the shaved head started with lesbians. You see, shaved heads make for the clearest indication that a woman is gay, and therefore uninterested in male attention. It can be momentarily empowering to shave your head in this tried-and-true lesbian rite of passage (right, Natalie Portman?), but the real display of audacity comes when you look your withered grandparent in the eye and defiantly say, “The all-women’s college you broke your back to send me to isn’t what made me gay. I can’t help who I love!” Good thing every detail of your facial expression and scalp is unobstructed so Nana and Granddad can see that you didn’t just shave your head in a desperate effort to prove something to yourself. Something that you still haven’t quite figured out…
Dear Breeder: The suburbs called, and they say you’re shearing everything a little too obsessively—even the shrubs, who don’t give a flying fuck about your fading masculinity.
GOING GREEN, OR (RED)
This new hobby you’ve picked up of “considering” soy products and “recycling” your trashy straight trash is really over the top. Lesbians have been “deeply troubled” by Birkenstock—I mean, carbon—footprints since way before you were born. We cook our food and light our lights by the inexhaustible energy of lesbian drama, and then go to advanced spin cycle classes to relax. Next time you want to “go green,” Dear Breeder, why don’t you just go home and turn off eleven of your twelve TVs? And while you’re thinking about what a success you’ve become—what with all of your flat screens—why not stop and consider the thousands of lesbians who are making them, in sweatshops and sweat lodges across the globe?
Incidentally, Dear Breeder, this entire (RED) thing has got to go. It’s making me bo(RED). Lesbians have taken care of people with HIV forever, and even though their efforts have largely gone unnoticed, we’ve never demanded that our human kindness be enclosed in gratuitous parentheses and sold in high-end boutique malls. Frankly, I’m offended by this greedy, exploitative, and trendy appropriation of (AIDS). Though I will acknowledge that The Gap has served my people well in their consistent production of rugged quality plaids.
Dear Breeder: Bono just twittered @you to say that even a piece of toilet paper can be recycled for the Sudanese/Irish/Palestinian people, but it’s thanks to the foresight and earth-friendly ways of lesbians that you’re even facebook friends with him in the first place.
The list of things you’ve stolen from us could go on and on. The more I think about your relentless lesbian identity theft, the more it makes my head want to explode!
Hasta la vista, Breeder.
