In 1948, celebrated pervert Alfred Kinsey proposed that every person’s sexuality falls somewhere on a scale between zero and six, zero being exclusively heterosexual, and six being outrageously ga-ga-ga-GAY!
“And how long have you had these thoughts about seahorses?”
To help you better understand your own place on the sexual spectrum, Dear Breeder, and that of your closest friends, potential lovers, and clergymen, we at Breeder’s Digest have assembled this handy, free-association guide to the infamous Kinsey Scale. By the time we call your number, you’ll find that human sexuality is so easy, even a child could do it!
While you’re at it, feel free to jot down some of your own associations! And don’t forget to name names!
KINSEY 0: Absolutely Straight
Ryan’s Steakhouse, gang violence, coupons, Esther Rolle, Oil of Olay
KINSEY 1: Straight n’ Hard
Neckerchiefs, “Painter of Light” Thomas Kinkade, public bathrooms, 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, animals with blowholes
KINSEY 2: Bisexual, Mostly Straight
Missy Elliott, the Baldwins, prison sex
KINSEY 3: Truly Bisexual
Unicorns, dragons, El Chupacabra, Susan Lucci, rainbow trout
KINSEY 4: Bisexual, Mostly Gay
Queen Latifah, the Cusacks, prison sex
KINSEY 5: Gay n’ Easy
Felicity Huffman, jockstraps, secret eating, Bare Minerals foundation, North Carolina
KINSEY 6: KA-BOOM!
Snagglepuss, the MoMA gift shop, Barbara Hershey, shrimp or cock rings, Europe
Pencils down, Dear Breeder! Time to tally up our points! Whether you scored in the gay, straight, or creepy, in-between area, what a weight off your shoulders it must be, to finally recognize your position on the Kinsey Scale—not to mention the corresponding set of human rights society is thereby willing to afford you! When it comes to Kinsey, we’re all winners!
Did anyone else get an 8.6666666667? OMG, me too!
Tags: Alfred Kinsey, Baldwins vs. Cusacks, Missy Elliott's Straight Bisexuality, Prison Sex, Rachael Ray's Straight Delights, Ryan's Steakhouse, Seven Steps to Homosexuality, The Secret Eating Habits of Felicity Huffman, The Sexual Revolution (in Numbers), Thomas Kinkade
July 28, 2009 at 1:58 am |
None of this really resonated with me except the prison sex. So now I don’t know if I’m mostly gay or mostly straight. Yet another human tragedy caused by our penal system.
July 28, 2009 at 10:19 am |
Oh, what does Kinsey know.
Oil of Olay is plenty gay! It really works, too.
Being bisexual sounds more like doing acid.
July 28, 2009 at 11:19 pm |
what if you’re a male who uses oil of olay. doesnt that make you like a ten? well, i’m a ten
July 29, 2009 at 9:44 am |
Oh, you’re definitely a 10, and that’s why we at Breeder’s Digest salute you!