By now you’ve noticed that lesbians are a sensitive people, a people driven to extreme public expressions of emotion. You probably noticed this around the same time you noticed that lesbians cry about everything, anywhere, all the time. But what you should also know is that you too can benefit from Excessive Lesbian Feelings™. In fact, once you undergo Breeders Digest‘s lifetime guaranteed Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training, you will begin to see your straight happiness for what it is (mindless obedience) and start feeling again, thanks to better living through vicarious living.
Let’s start with the basics. Sometimes it’s clear why a lesbian is crying. Our dogs get sick. We spill white wine on white denim jackets we’ve had since the 80s. Our live-in girlfriends smash cherished collegiate Pilsner glasses into a thousand jagged pieces of danger. Any of these obvious events may prompt lesbians—and most of their friends—to cry.
Until now, only lesbians themselves have been aware of the more subtle causes of lesbian crying. Once you master these, you will be ready and willing to weave heterosexual gold from lesbian scrap metal. But be careful! Although weeping lesbians will always entertain you, there is nothing you can do once a Sapphic Sister is awash in her own tragic glee. Nothing but watch in awe at a species that has perfected the ancient arts of emotional catharsis and inappropriate public sobbing.
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE HOME
Perceived Problem: UNAPPRECIATIVE PARTNER or LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS
Actual Problem: Living with others can be difficult
Lacrimal Response: Passive-Aggressive Sniffles
Accompanying Long-Winded Rants Begin With:
“The soy milk is…”
“How can you be so unaware of the way your defense mechanisms disrupt our domestic equilibrium?”
“It would be nice if you would acknowledge all of the work I put into this relationship/job/outfit/’94 Subaru…”
“Why do they always ask if we’re sisters?”
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Oh, No You Didn’t: OFFENSIVE COMMENTS and THOUGHTS
Oh, Yes He Did: Workplace tensions and offensive comments often go hand in hand in a patriarchal society
Lacrimal Response: Bold-Faced Tears and a Lecture in ALL CAPS
And the Power Point says:
“I wish I never would have heard you talking that way about your wife, Ted. It hurts me to know that your sexist beliefs run so deep.”
“Well, the way the Bush regime approached…”
“You are a cultural appropriator, and my style is wholly original!!”
“They’ll never know how much work it took to turn this glass ceiling on its side!”
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY IN THE ENVIRONMENT
Major Emergency: NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION or SUDDEN LACK OF DRAMA
Root Issue: Frustrated Theatrical Ambitions
Lacrimal Response: Projectile Crying and Slurred, Exaggerated Misery
Common Side Effects: Break-ups, Stabbings, Things Thrown from 2nd Floor Apartments or Car Windows, (Forest) Fires, Explosions.
A typical lesbian trust building activity.
LESBIAN SENSITIVITY ON THE TOWN
Ideal Settings for Lesbian Shitstorms: BEING AT A PARTY or BAR
Actual Cause: Being around other lesbians at a bar or party
Lacrimal Response: Gnashing of Teeth, Howling at Moon, Clawing at Eyes, and Punching Walls, Cars, or Oneself.
Things She Keeps Repeating:
“No one understands me!”
“I hate her!”
“I’m sorry I ruined your birthday or wedding!”
Un ballo in mascara
As you can see, Dear Breeder, it would behoove you to acquaint yourself with the nuances of lesbian crying, so that the next time you’re in a social space where lesbians will likely be present (i.e. bat mitzvahs, bathroom renovations, or airplane take-offs), you will be educated enough to appreciate a sudden, unexpected outpouring of Excessive Lesbian Feeling™. For, intellectualized amusement at the pain of others is the sweet fruit born of Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training.
Whenever a lesbian’s lips begin to tremble and tears begin to gather in her eyes, even crying babies fall into a respectful silence, allowing the lesbian to take center stage for what will certainly be a captivating performance full of vocal highs and personal lows.
This is what it sounds like when dykes cry.
Tags: Excessive Lesbian Feelings, Lesbian Bar Culture, Lesbian Drama, Lesbian Sensitivity, Lesbians and Crying, Lesbians: The Fabric of Our Lives, Passive-Aggressive Lesbianism, Projectile Crying, Schadenfreude as Homophobia, Sexism & Its Aftermath
July 25, 2009 at 3:41 am |
I love this! But I think you left out the main reason for lesbian drama: her ex-girlfriend is still her best friend/is the only person who really understands her/is called upon to approve or disapprove of all new girlfriends/is the co-owner of her dog/lives in her house/sleeps in her bed because the futon is uncomfortable and anyway who says friends can’t sleep in a bed together without it being a sexual thing?
Anyway, that’s been my experience.
July 25, 2009 at 8:30 am |
This is the funniest blog I’ve read in about a million years! Gracias.
Especially true: How can you be so unaware of the way your defense mechanisms disrupt our domestic equilibrium?”
July 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm |
i’ve learned that the best way to express my lesbian sensitivity sensitivity is to just avoid bathroom renovations altogether… MUCH THOUGH IT PAINS ME.
July 26, 2009 at 9:29 pm |
soooooo funny. my fave part is this:
“For, intellectualized amusement at the pain of others is the sweet fruit born of Lesbian Sensitivity Sensitivity Training.”
July 28, 2009 at 5:52 pm |
excessive lesbian feelings, or elves as i refer to them, once caused me to throw a burning subaru rear view mirror out the window of a recently renovated airplane lavatory. after the flight crew realized i was merely a lesbian (and not a lesbian terrorist) i was left alone to write sad haikus on my tear-stained napkin square.
July 29, 2009 at 9:46 am |
I hope you took some time to watch the in-flight movie, Ten Things I Hate About What a Girl Wants!
August 1, 2010 at 6:00 am |
helpful post.