Move over, King of Pop! Today’s long-awaited installment of Breeder’s Digest is all about some queens!
Just why, you may never ask, are we gays so fascinated by royalty? Yes, we admire their outfits and high-pressure relationships. Yes, we cry at their weddings and smile at whatever Elton John plays at their funerals. Heck, I even go so far as to refer to some of my best friends behind their backs as “a bunch of tired old queens.”
Let’s take a moment, shall we, to ponder the glitz, the glamour, and yes, the mystique, of a bunch of real-life “tired old Queens.”
Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom
This old ocean liner is so much more than just a name on the side of some old ocean liner. Of course, she will be remembered as much for her conservative reign of hats and gloves, as for her all-night, orgiastic binges, which came to be known as “High Tina with the Queen.” Also, she will be remembered for whatever traumatic thing happened in that one movie I think I might have seen about her. This old queen may be tired, but her London Bridge ain’t fallin’ down no time soon!
Queen Elizabeth, hard at work.
Beatrix, Queen of the Netherlands
This gun-toting, dope-smoking, lesser-known Dutch matriarch is proud to have stuck her finger in practically every dike in the country! When she’s not presiding over Dutch Parliament or this country’s thriving tulip market, you’d better believe she’s shoulder to shoulder with the working people of the Netherlands, standing half-undressed in a window, trying to make eye contact with every stranger passing by. Who knows? Toss her a handful of euros, and she might let you see her Low Countries.
Queen Beatrix, doing some light reading at the beauty salon.
Latifah, Queen
This queen, above all others, is known for her shameless string of passionate, steamy love affairs with a revolving door of high-profile male lovers. The grounded, female sensuality of her on-screen performances (see Last Holiday) has cemented this national treasure’s reputation as a strictly heterosexual American sex symbol. (Don’t worry, we won’t blow your Cover, Girl!)
Queen Latifah, wearing an uncharacteristically revealing outfit.
Whew! All this talk about royalty has me seeing tiaras, not to mention dangerous confrontations with an increasingly-aggressive paparazzi!
At the end of the day, when each queen strips away her royal garb, her heirloom jewelry, her thin layer of self-disgust, she lies alone in her bed, her scepter on the pillow beside her, the world at her feet. During this moment, she is like every other person on the planet who rules over a nation and has never pooped alone. Forced to live in a world of privileged isolation, and charged with the impossible task of living up to public expectation, she dreams in private of another life, one in which she may finally be herself. In this way, Dear Breeder, we are all royalty.
Long live the queens!
