Although Breeder’s Digest is fast on its way to becoming a cherished historical institution, we never miss a chance to brush up on the Gay Past. Just this week, we were invited to give a lecture, “Cruisin’ and Bruisin’: Public Domestic Violence in Public,” at the Museum of Naturally Gay History. Imagine our surprise when we stumbled into an informative and amusing dioramic exhibit entitled “LOST! Bisexuality in Focus.”
Recently, a bisexual was unearthed in Japan.
In celebration of the inevitable extinction of bisexuality, I’d like to share what I learned while staring in awe at those hauntingly lifelike creatures. You’ll meet some of the founding fathers and mothers of Gay Liberation, Dear Breeder, and believe me, as usual, those bisexuals have A LOT to say about themselves!
FRIDA KAHLO (Saber-Toothed Vagina)
Frida’s Kahlo has been the face of bisexuality, lesbianism, and breathtaking trauma since her painterly heyday in the early 20th Century. Her lifelong affair with muralist Diego Rivera turned out to be the perfect foundation for a string of sensually-inspiring lesbian love affairs. TGIF: Thank God It’s Frida!
“Do you think you can handle dating a bisexual?”
DAVID BOWIE (Trannysaurus Sex)
Bowie’s strikingly good dinosaur looks helped get him started in a business that all but requires hard work, artistic dedication, lots of sharp teeth and short, pincer-like arms. His androgynous flamboyance helped bring gays into the Bronzer Age, while conflicting accounts in the press regarding his orientation made us realize just how confusing bisexuality is—even to bisexuals themselves! Hey Dave, let’s get Ziggy with it!
His pincer-like arms always made for an empty sleeve.
ANGELINA JOLIE (Triestogettoppedalot)
As the last living bisexual, Angelina Jolie is a genuine relic from the past (namely, Jenny Shimizu’s). Jolie eventually dumped bisexuality for her new favorite opposite-hobby, public babymaking. We think that’s the Pitts!
It’s plain as day, Jolie was once a womb raider!
Doesn’t the world look slightly different, Dear Breeder, once you realize that 160 million years ago bisexuals roamed the earth? Sadly, we may never know what lead to their sudden extinction. Perhaps it was a meteor that fell from the sky, wiping them off the face of the mall. Was it the same case of alcohol poisoning that led your wife to make out with her sorority sister, even though she denied it two months later? Or maybe—just maybe—it was the new species of sexual deviant known as Queerus Interruptus that aggressively rose to dominance by devouring the natural resources which formerly belonged to bisexuals (bachelorette parties, Zimas, and women’s jeans).
What will come next, Dear Breeder, in life’s great evolutionary tapestry? Based on the law of survival of the fittest, I’ve determined that it will have one all-seeing eyebrow, a knack for choosing the wrong nail polish, and one hell of an adoption attorney!
Sounds like a straight girl to me!
Tags: Angelina Jolie's Decaying Bisexual Agenda, Bisexual Extinction, David Bowie, Frida Kahlo, Gay & Lesbian Dinosaurs, Straight Girl Stereotypes for $100
June 1, 2009 at 12:03 am |
Mommy….tell me another ghost story before bed!
June 1, 2009 at 9:16 am |
Wait, I didn’t know they were extinct. I thought they were just endangered. I want my donation back from the WWF now. ;-)
June 1, 2009 at 8:54 pm |
Dear lord – if you invented the term ‘womb raider’ – you are my hero.
July 21, 2009 at 8:34 pm |
In fact, it’s a Breeder’s Digest original!
June 30, 2009 at 6:08 pm |
Ya know, i’m not quite sure what to make of this, and yet i feel the need to comment…!
July 9, 2009 at 3:32 pm |
So Breeder’s Digest, how would you fit Michael Jackson into your blog? Have a category for “asexual”:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-ap-us-michael-jackson-brooke-shields,0,693836.story
I particularly enjoyed these op-eds about Jackson:
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/whats-driving-the-michael-jackson-mania/?emc=eta1