Breeder's Digest

The last time I was in the emergency room, Dear Breeder, following an unfortunate brunch-related injury, I was pronounced clinically dead for four minutes. Needless to say, I am a deeply changed person. And I have returned to tell the tale. As I was immediately sucked up into a great white light, the words that evangelical street protester shouted at me over brunch reverberated in my ears: “Gays don’t go to Heaven.” I quickly found out, Dear Breeder, he was right! When gays die, we go to a much more fabulous and exciting place than boring old regular Heaven.

We go…to Sparkleshine Castle!

Sparkleshine Castle shown to scale.

When a gay soul enters Sparkleshine Castle, it’s immediately greeted by all the friends, lovers, and bitchy acquaintances he or she has had throughout life. And then someone says, “Tell us all about it.” And suddenly, you’ve got the whole bar’s attention. And you tell your whole life story, from start to finish, remembering all your best one-liners, word for word, and everything you’d ever wished you’d said at the moment. You feel like you’re in Seventh Sparkleshine Castle, and the underworld is your oyster!

Everyone in Sparkleshine Castle is dressed to the nines, and so are you! In Sparkleshine Castle, we can change our outfits and hairstyles at will, transforming ourselves from stone butch to gym bunny to high femme to emo twink in the blink of an eye, with the power of thought alone. This being the gay community, of course, we immediately see through one another’s disguises, call each other out on it, and then have a good laugh over the drink of our choice.

That’s right, whatever you want, put it on the Castle’s tab! Everyone’s having a marvelous time, doing exactly as they please, without fear of moral, social, or physical repercussion. Look, the gays are shaving their chests and making out! Look, the lesbians are moving into funky neighborhoods and remodeling! And there’s even a moat, to keep out those pesky bisexuals! (Back to Gobblegreed Garden, you!) Hey everybody, Bea Arthur and Dom DeLuise are doing scenes from Pretty Woman over by the shrimp!

“You keep the Carol Channing wig, I’ll keep the Hello, Dolly gown!”

At this point, as doctors were pounding my chest in an attempt to resuscitate me, I was shown to a unicorn by a Madonna impersonator who looked so much like Madonna it turned out to be Madonna. I was told that the next words from my lips would be the name of the unicorn, for all eternity. So entranced by the splendor of this place was I, that the first words, naturally, from my mouth were, “Sparkleshine Castle…”

Sparkleshine Castle…

Sparkleshine Castle…?

I awoke abruptly on the floor of my malfurnished apartment. Had I really dreamed the whole thing? The unicorn? Sparkleshine Castle? My surgery? Brunch? I guess we’ll never know, until such time as I march on up to glory, content in the knowledge that the mother-of-pearly gates of Sparkleshine Castle await me.

See you soon, Belinda Carlisle!

Tags: Belinda Carlisle, Brunch-related injuries, Eat this Fred Phelps!, Gay Afterlife, Gay Death Sells, Madonna as Madonna impersonator, Planet Unicorn, Pretty Woman and its aftermath, She-Ra as Gay Goddess

This entry was posted on May 6, 2009 at 10:06 pm and is filed under Gay, Lesbian. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.