Breeder's Digest

It’s a regular occurrence in Hollywood, Dear Breeder, that a movie is edited for homosexual content before being released to the general public. Going to the movies is an expensive experience designed specifically for straight people and, frankly, we gays have no business interrupting your Friday early evenings and Sunday afternoons. However, this form of anti-gay censorship has driven more than one effete film director to despondency, alcoholism, and suicide, out of sheer despair over the destruction of his or her creative vision.

In honor of those gay classics which never saw the light of day, we hereby present you with this list of gay classics which never saw the light of day.

Sappho Rides the Wind – With her no-nonsense persona, penchant for coaxing children into hallucinogenic states, and strict regimen of “sweeping out the chimney,” this film’s heroine was intended to be the prototypical Southwestern lesbian nanny. Once sanitized by the removal of its triple-x “Teaspoon Scene,” the film lost its erotic charge of decadent, liberated sensuality, and was eventually released under the ho-hum title of Mary Poppins.

Set It Off – Turns out, this extremely lesbionic movie actually had lesbian content once! Deleted scenes include Cleo’s (Queen Latifah) girlfriend (silent woman with bleached afro) talking endlessly about getting her nails did, telling Cleo her femininity needs to be validated within the safety of a butch-femme relationship, and demanding in a matter-of-fact femme voice on the eve of excellently sound-tracked bank robberies, “Baby, let’s just stay in tonight, I’m tired.” Plus in this version, Cleo finally gets with Vivica A. Fox before killin’ 40s, shitty white music, and, well, herself. Original cut please!

“We’re not gay, we’re just chillin’.”

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star – A young blond buck was cast to play an adorable—and vulnerable—loner in this erotic tale of a menage a trois between an unassuming twink and two down-on-their-luck bears. With true-to-life special effects including, slippery ice (hilarious), model trains carrying oversized passengers (LOL), and hot iron phallic objects (sooo original), this uplifting tale of seasonal stalking turns sexy when the bears land on their backs (thanks, marbles!) at the feet of an empowered twink in name-brand underwear. The film’s later incarnation as Home Alone earned Macauley Culkin a lifetime of twinky roles, and a heteronormative lifestyle!

No Bear is an Island – The film that started out as a shocking portrayal of the long-reaching effects of “down-low” culture was ultimately rendered by Hollywood a nonsensical slush pile of overplayed melodrama, misguided slapstick, and poorly designed wigs. No Bear is an Island originally told the story of the emotional repercussions on a cheating husband’s family, when his most recent leather bear daddy trick tries to move in with them. Ultimately, all sexual overtones were removed from the film, which proved a box-office disaster when released as Harry and the Hendersons.

“Uncle Harry,” as he became known to the children, was allowed to visit on weekends and holidays.

The Neverending Story – Some filmmakers quickly learn to navigate Hollywood’s complicated system of censorship, telling their stories as openly and honestly as possible through the use of coded symbolism and boundary-skirting innuendo. The Neverending Story stands as one of the few examples of a film which boldly avoided the cutting room floor, while still managing to realistically render the journey every gay man goes through on his way to self-acceptance. From trolling around used bookstores for literary trade to riding on the back of that white dragon called cocaine, no gay male has faced his demons fully until he has shrieked through an open window the name of his inner, childlike empress.

We’ve had it up to here, Dear Breeder, with films which all too often compromise the truth of our people. With Vincent Minnelli as our witness, we hereby vow to match every Sandra Bullock flop with another, even more exquisite flop, this time starring Meryl Streep.

Let the second Golden Age of Cinema commence!