Breeder's Digest

In light of the censorship debate ushered in by Amazon.com’s recent online fiasco, Breeder’s Digest has decided to overtly ban books for being “too straight” and therefore perverse. Strike a match, ma! We’s havin’ us a old-timey book-burnin’!

1. The Giving Tree – Crypto-Nazi misogynist Shel Silverstein promised me many things when he penned this children’s classic. But I, for one, have yet to receive anything from his estate, despite my constant threats. That giving tree can be so withholding. Like some people whose names I won’t mention.

2. The South Beach Diet – If you’d ever get off your lazy ass and go to South Beach, you’d see that the local diet consists of booze, booze, and art-deco bathhouse booze. This book is officially gaylisted as being derogatory and homophobic!

3. The Secret – Here’s our little secret, bestselling author Rhonda Byrne, and you can tell whoever you want: You are the cheesiest straight person alive.

Your secret’s out: too much toner!

4. Chicken Soup for the Elderly Soul – This book did nothing but rub me the wrong way. From its large-print format to its in-depth discussion of the rickets, I quickly realized how much I miss my Gramma, and her intolerance of homosexuals. Gramma, you’ve just been gaylisted!

5. Charlotte’s Web – First of all, I don’t see what’s so special about this damn book. I’ve dated numerous pigs who practically talked their heads off, and not a single one of them ever placed at the State Fair. Plus, I hate spiders. Get out of my house!

6. TV Guide – This book pushes a straight agenda like there is no tomorrow. Except there is a tomorrow. And many empty days after that, all filled with hours of inane television programming. Sorry, Dear Breeder, no more “challenging” crossword puzzles to make you feel cultured—this book is gaylisted!

7. The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Screw you, Mitch Albom! The only five people I wanna meet in Heaven are Cher, Judy Garland, Terry Schiavo, Mr. T., and Gay Heath Ledger! See you in Hell, Robin Williams!

“I pity the fool!”

8. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – Stop pretending. The only people who matter outside of this planet are gays. Because we are aliens. And we come in search of Uranus.

9. How to Win Friends and Influence People – Do straight people actually require a book to teach them how to have a personality? The answer is most often a resounding “yes,” but this book is gaylisted anyway because that is called CHEATING.

10. Twilight – Like other devastating plagues on the gay and lesbian community, the Twilight Series has cost too many of us our friends, our jobs, our grasp on reality. This erotic tale of Mormon social and sexual responsibility has taught a generation of gays that there is such a thing as going too far, and that it’s always worth the wait. Bite me, Twilight! You’ve just been gaylisted! Mitch Albom, sit down! I already dealt with you!

As we’ve clearly demonstrated, Dear Breeder, these books are a blight on contemporary literature, and deserve to be ignored into nonexistence. We’ve all learned, time and again throughout history, that if moral decay exists in society, discussion of it must be avoided at any cost. Amazon.com, thank you for showing us the true spirit of American censorship. And for quickly distracting us from that reality with free shipping and one-click payment options.

***OMG! WE JUST WON A GIFTCARD!***

Tags: #amazonfail, Cher, Flaming Gay Bookburning Revenge, How to Win Friends and Influence People in An Even Gayer Way, The Giving Tree is a Heterosexual Mirage, The Heterosexual Literary Agenda, The South Beach Diet, Twilight

This entry was posted on April 14, 2009 at 10:30 pm and is filed under Emotions, Gay, Genre, Heteronormativity, Lesbian. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.