April « 2009 « Breeder's Digest

Gay Dignity: Fact or Fiction?

April 30, 2009

There comes a time in every gay’s life, Dear Breeder, when he/she/ze must reflect on his/her/hizzie reputation. Usually, when that moment strikes, we’re too busy having mimosas or ruining our reputations to notice. Sure, we’ve all made questionable choices in our lives last night, but, more than most, we gays know that we only have…one life to live.

Pre-Aretha inauguration hats for women, by Service Merchandise.
Tina Fey, in an early dramatic role.

Whereas your dignity is held dutifully intact by your two-car garage or that 6-month period in which you had dental insurance, gays have a more tenuous relationship to dignity—that is, with the quiet struggle to live nobly without breaking a sweat. But, Dear Breeder, lest you forget, there’s a lot of pressure that comes along with being a gay.

The Princess Diarrheas
At least Lady Di understood…

For example, our day-to-day lives are consumed by countless moral quandaries. These may range from regretting those nasty remarks we made to the Wendy’s employee, to accidentally careening onto a busy sidewalk at rush hour and sideswiping your stroller (Sorry, I thought that stroller was a shark!). As I then speed away in my Mini Cooper, I reflect in the rearview mirror on the undignified corners we gays back ourselves into, simply to remind ourselves that we’re actually alive. All too often, those compromising situations involve 8-balls, group sex, and/or ruining relationships we’ve had for years. Sorry, we said we were sorry!

Toga Party at Trader Joe’s!
Desperately seeking Susan Lucci’s dignity.

The truth is that gay dignity is a very real myth. It’s only by turning up our noses at conventional decorum that we get some satisfaction for the often humiliating circumstances of our existence. That’s why we compel ourselves to construct rich fantasy worlds wherein the most dignified of gays will wear skinny vintage fashion belts, undergo complicated brain transplants over the course of a commercial break, replace ourselves with slightly older child actors, and harbor intricate revenge plots for more than three seasons. By vowing to live our lives from cliffhanger to cliffhanger in open-ended, episodic narrative arcs, we, the bold and the beautiful, the young and the restless, can summon the courage to spend the days of our lives in search of a guiding light, general hospital, or free clinic.

And if that doesn’t spell DIGNITY, Dear Breeder—well, I don’t know which letters do.

3 Comments | Emotions, Gay, Genre, Lesbian | Tagged: Days of Our Lives, Gay Dignity, Gay Ethics, Gay Mini Cooper Conspiracy Theory, Gay Ruination, Princess Diana, Skinny Fashion Belts For Beginners, Soap Operas, Stroller Panic, Stroller Sharks, Susan Lucci, The Fall of Rome, Tina Fey | Permalink
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In Memoriam: Bea Arthur, 1922-2009

April 27, 2009

Bea Arthur was known to legions of fans the world over for her deadpan portrayal of Golden Girl Dorothy Zbornak, and for the bird of prey-like strength of her feet. Her unapologetically flamboyant style of dress (at a time when living one’s life as an openly gay man was to flirt with personal ruin and career disaster) necessitated its very own fashion vocabulary, inspiring such timeless phrases as “cowl neck,” “slouch boot,” and “turkey necktie couture.”

Bea’s fashion sense served as the primary inspiration for no fewer than seven Björk/Matthew Barney collaborations.
Bea Arthur as Lurkey Brown in Bertolt Brecht’s The Hennypenny Opera.

Of course, Bea was best known for her star turn on The Golden Girls (1985-1992), but her achievements on the stage and on the small screen don’t stop there. Bea initially made her name in the classic Off-Broadway production of The Threepenny Opera (1954), and went on to star in the original Broadway productions of Fiddler on the Roof (1964) and Mame (1966). In the 70’s, Bea created a sensation on TV, playing the ultra-liberal title character on Maude (1972-1978), a sitcom which boldly tackled such tough, now-obsolete issues as racism and women’s rights. Little public recognition has been given, however, for Bea’s fearless stunt work in Cannonball Run, and for her stunning portrayal of Chewbacca in the original Star Wars trilogy. Additionally, Bea was the first to introduce a 26-year-old Kristy McNichol to the sex act known as the “Empty Nest,” leading both actresses to a successful and intensely satisfying spin-off.

Arthur’s life-long struggle to accessorize came to a head on the set of this 1974 photo shoot.
The Empty Nest: Step One…

Unfortunately, the years took their toll on Bea’s health and wellbeing, and by the end of her life she was largely composed of donated plasma, gristle, and weave. Surrounded by friends and family, she finally lost her battle with cancer on Saturday, April 25, 2009. Bea’s body was instantly cremated by her own trademark slow burn.

In celebration of the life of this staunch supporter of animal rights, gay rights, and the rights of gay animals, Breeder’s Digest would like to offer you—the disembodied ghost of Bea Arthur—our highest honor: The Lifetime Achievement Award for Female Impersonation. You’ve more than earned it, with the legacy of overdone double-takes, superfluous musical numbers, asymmetrical blouses, and gravel-voiced laughter you leave behind.

In her later years, Bea worked as a stool sample model.
Bea’s celestial smocks make perfect Heaven wear!

Thank you for being a friend.

John

7 Comments | Emotions, Fashion, Gay, Genre, Lesbian, Love, Our Gay Crushes, You're out! | Tagged: Bea Arthur, Breeder's Digest Lifetime Achievement Award for Female Impersonation, Maude, The Golden Girls, Turkey Necktie Couture, What will we do without you? | Permalink
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The Gaylist

April 14, 2009

In light of the censorship debate ushered in by Amazon.com’s recent online fiasco, Breeder’s Digest has decided to overtly ban books for being “too straight” and therefore perverse. Strike a match, ma! We’s havin’ us a old-timey book-burnin’!

1. The Giving Tree – Crypto-Nazi misogynist Shel Silverstein promised me many things when he penned this children’s classic. But I, for one, have yet to receive anything from his estate, despite my constant threats. That giving tree can be so withholding. Like some people whose names I won’t mention.

2. The South Beach Diet – If you’d ever get off your lazy ass and go to South Beach, you’d see that the local diet consists of booze, booze, and art-deco bathhouse booze. This book is officially gaylisted as being derogatory and homophobic!

3. The Secret – Here’s our little secret, bestselling author Rhonda Byrne, and you can tell whoever you want: You are the cheesiest straight person alive.

Books don't go platinum, but your hair sure did.
Your secret’s out: too much toner!

4. Chicken Soup for the Elderly Soul – This book did nothing but rub me the wrong way. From its large-print format to its in-depth discussion of the rickets, I quickly realized how much I miss my Gramma, and her intolerance of homosexuals. Gramma, you’ve just been gaylisted!

5. Charlotte’s Web – First of all, I don’t see what’s so special about this damn book. I’ve dated numerous pigs who practically talked their heads off, and not a single one of them ever placed at the State Fair. Plus, I hate spiders. Get out of my house!

6. TV Guide – This book pushes a straight agenda like there is no tomorrow. Except there is a tomorrow. And many empty days after that, all filled with hours of inane television programming. Sorry, Dear Breeder, no more “challenging” crossword puzzles to make you feel cultured—this book is gaylisted!

7. The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Screw you, Mitch Albom! The only five people I wanna meet in Heaven are Cher, Judy Garland, Terry Schiavo, Mr. T., and Gay Heath Ledger! See you in Hell, Robin Williams!

This photograph depicts an action sequence from an early episode of the A-Team.
“I pity the fool!”

8. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – Stop pretending. The only people who matter outside of this planet are gays. Because we are aliens. And we come in search of Uranus.

9. How to Win Friends and Influence People – Do straight people actually require a book to teach them how to have a personality? The answer is most often a resounding “yes,” but this book is gaylisted anyway because that is called CHEATING.

10. Twilight – Like other devastating plagues on the gay and lesbian community, the Twilight Series has cost too many of us our friends, our jobs, our grasp on reality. This erotic tale of Mormon social and sexual responsibility has taught a generation of gays that there is such a thing as going too far, and that it’s always worth the wait. Bite me, Twilight! You’ve just been gaylisted! Mitch Albom, sit down! I already dealt with you!

As we’ve clearly demonstrated, Dear Breeder, these books are a blight on contemporary literature, and deserve to be ignored into nonexistence. We’ve all learned, time and again throughout history, that if moral decay exists in society, discussion of it must be avoided at any cost. Amazon.com, thank you for showing us the true spirit of American censorship. And for quickly distracting us from that reality with free shipping and one-click payment options.

***OMG! WE JUST WON A GIFTCARD!***

John

11 Comments | Emotions, Gay, Genre, Heteronormativity, Lesbian | Tagged: #amazonfail, Cher, Flaming Gay Bookburning Revenge, How to Win Friends and Influence People in An Even Gayer Way, The Giving Tree is a Heterosexual Mirage, The Heterosexual Literary Agenda, The South Beach Diet, Twilight | Permalink
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Catherine Opie: America’s Sweetheart

April 9, 2009

It’s no secret, Dear Breeder, that lesbian artists have long been celebrated in the snobbish art world, where they are consistently treated to lavish gallery openings, European tours, and red-carpetmunching soirées. Everywhere you look, around every corner and behind every Great Dane, you’ll see them: realistic representations of lesbians created by lesbians–all thanks to a generous art industry that wants us to know that our voices WILL be heard. However, as you easily list off the household names of at least twenty famous lesbian artists—those Picassos and Cézannes who are women—there is one who might not immediately come to mind: Catherine Opie.

Don’t feel embarrassed about not knowing this name. Opie is merely a world-renowned photographer with international representation and a faculty appointment at UCLA, and who has already had a mid-career survey exhibition at the Guggenheim. Her portraits explore urban and underground cultures as she photographs transient communities of ice fishers, surfers, football players…and queers.

This football player is currently flagging: mesh, left pocket.
Our lady, indeed!

When I say “queers,” Dear Breeder, I mean “people who are very different from you and who make you feel anxious even though you usually feel comfortable and at home in the world.” I’m referring to people who, like the numerous lesbian artists I’m sure you can name at the drop of a cat, live on a planet you’ve never visited. What’s that, Dear Breeder, you’d like to meet one? OK. Meet Catherine Opie, “America’s Sweetheart.” She’s just your average boy next door, I promise.

1_opie_bo
Catherine the GRRREAT!!!

In fact, I’m sure you know her. Remember that episode of that one early black and white, good-timey sitcom? The one where Opie meets Mr. McBeevee in the forest but Opie’s father thinks he’s crying wolf? Injustice! What about the one where Opie kills a mama bird and has to mommy her baby birds until they fly the coop? Life lesson! You can learn a lot about life, Dear Breeder, from the commonplace experiences of one of the greatest living artists in America.

"You sure are lookin' pretty today, Miss Crump!"
NOW who looks like a twelve year-old boy?!

It’s funny, Dear Breeder, we gays don’t ask you for much, just for you to remember that we exist from time to time, or not to spit on us in the street. But one of the most meaningful things you can do for the gay in your life is to mention another gay person in conversation—a “famous” one, let’s say—just to show you care, and that you’re sort of paying attention. Try “Catherine Opie” next time you’re gay-name-dropping. This handy reference will not only show that you are vaguely aware of homosexuality, but that you are also somewhat concerned with art and beauty—the true keys to any gay’s heart.

2 Comments | Genre, Lesbian, Our Gay Crushes, You're out! | Tagged: Catherine Opie, Gay Name-Dropping, Lesbian Art, Opie Taylor and The History of Butch Appropriation, Our Lady of Perpetual Boners, Queer Photography, The Art World | Permalink
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Comic Disturbances

April 7, 2009

Really, Dear Breeder? Was it that hilarious? Why are you still laughing? Seriously, get a hold of yourself. You’re embarrassing me. I was just making a simple observation about coping with loss, and yet you’re reacting as if you’d just watched Spaceballs for the fourth consecutive time while on acid. Perhaps I should let you in on a little secret. I think you’re ready.

Gay men are funny without even trying.

“Who are you calling fag? I’m just over here trying to listen to some Lady Gaga!”

I’m sorry if your days are filled with infant care and unbearable mothers-in-law and endless trips to buy-in-bulk warehouse shopper’s clubs. Still, I have a hard time believing your life is so miserable that you can’t stop yourself from laughing at everything I say, from the moment I walk in the door and tell you my horrible news.

Some day, you’ll come to terms with the notion that gay men get together in private circles and tell outrageous, transcendent jokes to one another at the speed of light. Your poor little brain, raised entirely on old episodes of Reba, couldn’t possibly begin to comprehend the level of wit we simply take for granted. When you find something I say amusing, please believe me: I am being deadly serious.

“She thinks his name was Emma…”

Although I’ll admit, many of the things I say are indeed comic gold, not every word out of my mouth is. My impassioned plea for equality in the eyes of the state, for example, was not a joke. I wasn’t “just joshing you” when I spoke about the historical persecution of homosexuals. And I would have worn something completely different, had I known my brief dissertation on the lack of hospital visitation rights for partnered couples would result in your having done a classic, vaudeville-era spit-take all down the front of my new blouse.

I like to believe I live my life with a quiet dignity, a rich gravitas that serves to lend an air of mystery and elegance to my very presence. But when you cackle like a horse’s hind end every time I try to tell you about the horrific personal tragedy that has recently shaken me to the core, it becomes difficult to maintain the thoughtfully-crafted illusion of respectability I’ve so carefully cultivated all these years.

Next time we plan to meet up, please do us both a favor: watch a Jeff Foxworthy or two in advance and get it all out of your system. If you were paying attention, you’d realize I haven’t even gotten to the punchline yet.

3 Comments | Emotions, Gay, Social Studies | Tagged: Furries, Gay Gravitas, Gay Jokes, Jeff Foxworthy is dumb, Lady Gaga, Reba McEntire, Snagglepuss, Why are you faced with a gay and all you can do is laugh? | Permalink
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Breeder's Digest

Gay Dignity: Fact or Fiction?

In Memoriam: Bea Arthur, 1922-2009

The Gaylist

Catherine Opie: America’s Sweetheart

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