Breeder's Digest

A wise lesbian once said that lesbians will watch anything just to see themselves represented. And, quite frankly, I have to admit that this is true. In fact, this kind of indiscriminate enthusiasm is the very essence of most forms of lesbianism. As a tribe, we can make an event (or a dreamcatcher) out of almost anything, and we show up in droves at the mere hint of a lesbian art opening, poetry reading, or peace treaty, wholly regardless of the quality of said works of art. Truth be told, Dear Breeder, we’re starving for what we wide-eyed and optimistically refer to as “realistic lesbian representations” in mainstream media. Hey, we’ll buy a ticket to anything as long as it (like my high school gym teacher) emits the sweet, husky odor of implied lesbianism.

Let’s cuddle up on the couch with my five dogs for a Breeder’s-Eye-View of some of the lesbian classics of the 90s, as seen through the eyes of my vague lesbian memory of my vague lesbian youth.

Go Fish (1990)

I went fishing soon after coming out (when my parents tried to de-gay me with a Christian counselor on Indianapolis’s affluent Northside) and look at the whopper I reeled in: a politically-correct, diversely-cast narrative culminating in an awkward butch haircut for one of its white protagonists! Little known secret: Eve Ensler got her entire “monologue gimmick” from this film of unending black-and-white monologues. She just had the good sense to slap a vagina in front! Thanks to director Rose Troche, for kicking off the 90s, our golden era of lesbian schlock!

The blind leading the bob.

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (1995)

Do you hate that grunge-era photograph of yourself that keeps floating around on Facebook? Well, watching this film will help you come to terms with that star-crossed romance that nearly destroyed you in high school. At least you didn’t look as gay as the movie’s heroine (or did you?) (because I did) (or so said my senior superlative). Way to go, everybody. I forget what happens at the beginning, middle, and end of this film, but at least we can congratulate ourselves at having complex interracial romances by the time we were 14…and it’s all thanks to being LESBIAN.

Bound (1996)

I’ve honestly seen this film 50 times, and it only gets better. Gangster moll lesbianism attempts butch-femme realism. It’s lesbian MacGyver movie making at its finest: all those crazy Wachowski brothers needed was an elevator, a mouth harp, and an anal bead light cord to make lesbian movie magic and to turn film noir a lovely shade of lavender. Eat that, The Matrix! Thanks to Susie Bright’s abstract expressionist sex scene, we’re all in for a bumpy ride. But don’t worry, it’s 1996 and we all have black leather jackets and know how to “pretend smoke” in that expensive “Chicago bar.” Plus, that stock “plumbing snake scene” in the bathroom gave us a gritty new euphemism for lesbian sex.

Lesbians are only interested in one thing: boobs and money.

Watermelon Woman (1997)

Thank you, director Cheryl Dunye, for making a thoughtful film challenging young lesbians in libraries everywhere to embrace the critical process of “archival research.” I think we all learned how important it is to think of ourselves as both historical subjects and sexual objects, and to consider the ways that race and ethnicity inform our personal lives. If it wasn’t for you, racism and ethnicity in the lesbian community would still exist!

Better Than Chocolate (1999)

This movie has always confounded me. While in graduate school, I received a VHS copy as a gift for letting an out-of-town dyke stranger descend on my pad. At the time, this was akin to getting a sweater from my mom, or a handbag from my sister. After repeated distracted viewings, I finally realized BTC offers an array of assertive lesbian hairstyles and demonstrates that all lesbian art—be it plant life, body painting, or horrid DVD cover art—has the potential to be mildly expressive, at best. And an unrequited tranny lesbian plotline never looked so good—or Canadian. Ever!

Who knew paint-your-own-pottery could be so—erotic?

As you can see, the 90s was a critical decade for the formation of a lesbian North American cinema, and for the formation of a lesbian North American identity. Is this “too real” for you, Dear Breeder? Sorry, but I’m not apologizing. We lesbians like our movies hard-hitting, politically-charged, and erotically-vacant, so you’re just gonna have to deal! Lesbians: as we continue to search for our “realistic representations of lesbianism,” why don’t we just relax and have some fun with our bodies, our past selves? And in the meantime, can someone please tell me—realistically—why it is that I can’t ever find a femme with the voice of Jennifer Tilly, the scholastic achievement of Cheryl Dunye, and the alcoholic tolerance of an early Guinevere Turner?

Please?

Tags: Bound and Determined, Crappy lesbian movies with a heart of gold, Go Fish, grunge lesbianism, Hard-to-Find Femmes, Lesbian Film, LGBT movies, realistic lesbian representations, Watermelon Woman

This entry was posted on March 10, 2009 at 11:30 pm and is filed under Genre, Lesbian. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.