Tell me you’ll be able to laugh it off, Dear Breeder. Or that, at worst, you’ll shrug your shoulders in annoyed confusion and go on about your day. Try and take it in the very spirit it was intended, as a harmless compliment. Just please, please don’t hit me. I beg you. And if you do hit me, could you please avoid the face? And if you do give the old moneymaker a good once-over, would you mind laying off the teeth? I have thousands of dollars tied up in there.
Maybe we’ve become vaguely friendly in the workplace, or in the context of a circle of friends. Who could blame you for being amused by my insatiable laugh, my refreshingly contrarian view of the world, my overwhelming friendliness and good nature? Perhaps you didn’t even realize I was a gay in the first place. Straight men are notoriously oblivious to subtlety and nuance, and you probably didn’t think twice about the subtle, nuanced way I complimented you on how terrific your ass looks in those pants.
“Your ass looks really great in those pants, by the way. Go Colts!”
What you didn’t expect, Dear Breeder, was that in a fit of blind courage and unmitigated moxie, this gay would dare to ask you out on a date. And what I certainly didn’t expect was that you would get so damn angry about it. I swear I wasn’t questioning your staunch commitment to heterosexuality. It’s just that, when you didn’t pass gas or talk about women’s bodies in a way that made my stomach turn, I innocently assumed you were playing for my team.
It’s not my fault you showed up, single and well-dressed, to the party. It’s not my fault you have a well-developed sense of humor, and brought up the topic of steamed broccoli and regular workouts. It’s not my fault you stayed talking to me at the chips and dip, long after everyone else had moved on to the big game. By sending out these mixed signals, Dear Breeder, you have thrown off the natural balance of gay-straight visibility.
You see, there are certain things we gays do, which help us to identify ourselves to one another. We make eye contact and let it linger. We get overly enthusiastic about insubstantial trivialities. We smile and are pleasant. From hereon out, Dear Breeder, these things are off-limits to you and yours. Please cease and desist at once.
“Freeze! Highlights on straight men is an offense punishable by law!”
Because straight men frequently think with their penises and talk with their fists, we gays live under near-constant threat of physical repercussion for our ambiguous crushes. In future, to make things clearer for all concerned, I suggest you take the following precautionary measures:
1. Always wear clothing emblazoned with the names, logos, and cities of origin of sports teams. Brightly colored insignias and anthropomorphized cartoon mascots are commonly used by major marketing corporations to coerce gays (and children with money) into irresponsible spending sprees. When this familiar language of imagery is re-purposed and conflated with sports fanatacism, however, the gay’s sensory receptors are scrambled, leaving him stymied, tongue-tied, and altogether unaroused.
2. When meeting a new friend or co-worker, try introducing yourself thusly: “Hi! My name is [YOUR NAME HERE]. I am a straight man, and receive no pleasure from seeing other men in compromised states of dress, ultimate fighting tournaments and shirts vs. skins pick-up games excluded.”
3. When you encounter a homosexual, leave the room immediately. And for the love of god, do not smile—not even with your eyes—during your sudden exit. Rather, try thinking of the recent trouble you’ve been having with your girlfriend, and make your face as corpselike and inexpressive as possible.
And hey, Dear Breeder, if you ever do break up with that girlfriend of yours, why don’t you give me a call sometime? I’ll be more than happy to talk you through it, preferably over rounds and rounds of stiff drinks. And I promise, no funny business this time. It’s just that it’s really pretty hot in here. And I’ll probably feel a lot more comfortable if I slip out of these pants. Do you mind?
Want some help with yours?
Tags: Gay Dating Tips, Gays Hate Sports, How to Hit on Straight Men with Confidence, Self-Defense, Straight Visibility Program, Straight-Gay Tensions
March 1, 2009 at 8:41 pm |
John, you are more bigoted than a Japanese Klan member. You paint with strokes so broad that there is room for no other color than yours. We “hetros” and our good names have been misled by your misleading words long enough. The only stereotypes this world needs are JVC, Pioneer, Onkyo, Sony, etc., in your attempt to deal with your own “heterophobia” you have raised questions about the moral nature of the straight man and wrongly so. We demand to be treated the same as you damn gays, and all your special group friends. Its not easy being a straight, caucasian, male with no political party or religious beliefs, its not easy being some dude that just treats people like fucking jesus. Its normal to look people in the eye while talking to them, even if your silent alarm is going off, which is by the way nothing more than “gaydar” which you jokingly use. It isn’t gay to be single and well dressed, its a talent, so don’t dilute it with your delusion of homosexual grandeur.
March 11, 2009 at 1:23 am |
John, for No. 1 I thought you were describing a dyke like me. Hah. Yes, it is so confusing.