Breeder's Digest

Step away from whatever it is you’re doing, Dear Breeder. Stop planning out family menus two weeks in advance. Put down the power mower. We’ve got something we want to talk to you about…

We know how overwhelmed and guilty you must feel about the ongoing repression of homosexuals practically everywhere, and yet you can’t seem to get your collective act together long enough to actually do anything about it. How frustrating. Fortunately, we’ve given the matter a lot of thought, and have arrived at a reasonable compromise:

Throw us an award show!

Behind every provocative award show garment stands a shiny, hollow man.

In lieu of recognizing our basic civil rights, can we at least acknowledge that homosexuals are basically some of the most civil people, right here in your city or unincorporated township? And can we do so with an annual event populated with stars and spectacle and covered by all the major news and media outlets? Can it have a multi-million dollar budget? Can we invite women in tuxes?

The Civilian Awards (or Civvies, as they’ll come to be known) will be wholly unprecedented in the world of award shows, as their aim will be to highlight and celebrate, not the big-budget Hollywood blockbusters or the Bonnie Raitt spoken word comedy albums of the year, but all the simple ways we gays brighten up the cities in which we live, just by our sheer presence. Remember that barista with the thumb ring whose smiling face and friendly disposition made your morning vaguely pleasant for a few, fleeting moments? That, Dear Breeder, was a homosexual. And he deserves an award for it.

“My highlights are the highlight of your day.”

The Civvies will recognize and honor the outstanding contributions the LGBTQQI community has made toward improving life in general, and your life in particular. The show will feature categories like “Best Catty Comment Overheard in a Supermarket,” and “Best Unsolicited Piece of Fashion Advice.” We’ll have prizes and ribbons of achievement for such civic virtues as “Takes the Fewest Sick Days,” “Most Consistent Mood,” and “Always Considerate When Using the Copier.” And the final award of the evening? The most glamorous and coveted Civvy of them all? This award will go to that one special homosexual who, throughout the year, has made unparalleled contributions in the areas of advanced friendliness and ultimate reliability across all social strata. And this award shall be called the “Just Hangin’ in There Award.” Because, let’s face it: even when a homosexual simply phones it in, his or her worst day is invariably better than your best.

The Civvies will be known for going on and on like this, for hours and hours on end, with winners and co-winners, honorable mentions, a vocabulary contest, and an impromptu crêpe suzette bake-off. The Civvies will also be known because once a year, all straight people everywhere will be forced to sit through them from start to finish, no talking.

We gays will do everything, of course. All the decor and design and writing little jokes for people to read off teleprompters. And the lesbians can all pitch in and build something. You won’t have to lift a finger, Dear Breeder. All you’ll have to do is show up. But leave the kids in the car this time, okay? In fact, why don’t you guys just stay home and watch it on tv, as a family? That could be fun for you, right?

“Quiet, kids! They’re about to give out the award for Best Memory!”

That’s it, Dear Breeder. That’s all we want. Honestly. We know we’ve come up with these crazy schemes before, but we promise it’s completely different this time. Just throw us a glamorous award show, once a year without fail, and we promise we won’t ever bother you with anything else again. Goodness knows, we’ve given up trying to convince you that a forty- or fifty-yearlong homosexual partnership may be just as worthy and valid as a quickie Vegas marriage. It’s not like we’re asking for the right to adopt children who will otherwise grow up parentless and neglected. And we certainly aren’t bringing up the holding hands in public thing again, either, Dear Breeder. You were completely right, it just feels silly.

Tags: Cher Realism, coping with Oscar dress disasters, gay Academy Award categories, Gay Award Show Manifesto, Gay Baristas United, Gay Honors, straight guilt

This entry was posted on February 22, 2009 at 3:12 pm and is filed under Gay, I'm Never Doing That Again!, Lesbian. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.