This week’s edition of Homosexual Shorthand continues your ongoing introduction to the in’s and out’s of our richly-coded homosexual lexicon. With your expensive and time-consuming weekend leisure activities in mind, Dear Breeder, this edifying edition of our homosexual glossary is set in one of your favorite straight locales: the golf course! It’s our hope that, by cruising these manicured greens with us, you’ll become a real pro when it comes to impressing friends with your mild tolerance of gays and impressive command of a foreign language. Join us as we walk you through nine holes of gay golfspeak…
“They’ll never find my wife’s body in this golf bag.”
Expensive and Time-consuming Golf Vocabulary
Gay Bash: What happens when a homophobe goes all John Daly on a gay, either verbally or physically. Usually both.
“Wow, Pam! You really gay bashed that tee shot!”
Granola: A little bit country and a little bit California roll, this stocky, stock lesbian type has a vegetarian appetite and hippie tendencies. Look for flowing organic fabrics and the humming of folk songs. With her tangled bird’s nest of salt-and-pepper hair, you’re sure to score an eagle every time!
“I really pulled that shot, Linda. Let’s take this cart to the pond, I think I dropped my granola in the drink!”
Gender Police: LesbiGay slang assigned to people who are judgmental, fussy, or uncomfortable when it comes to queer, non-conformist genders or gender roles.
“Did you see the gender police on duty at the LGPA tour this year? Man, they sure gave those gals a rough time!”
“If I hear one more joke about the penal code…”
Gasp!: The gasp is a notably silent-ish gay expression, most useful in moments of astonishment, alarm, and grief: when someone gets slapped across the face, when something unkind has been said about Liza Minnelli, when we realize that your Chanel is a dimestore knock-off. Gays gasp incessantly, mostly because it’s difficult to breathe when you’re this fabulous.
“Gasp! Damnit Tad, why didn’t you tell me there was a sand trap the size of Kauai behind the putting green?”
Gold Star: This designation shines down upon the manger of those homosexuals who have never, ever, ever messed around with a person of the opposite sex. Hey listen, we’ll buy your scrap gold and precious metal family heirlooms and make you a star!
“I thought Pinecrest was an official Gold Star course, but Pat told me Jack Nicklaus won’t even set foot on those links!”
Gaydar: Yet another innate gay ability, this highly-attuned “gay radar” uses sonic wavelengths and dolphin-age technology to inform us whether you’re friend or ‘mo.
“Gaydar, Inc. makes the finest in Golf GPS technology. Let’s buy something today!”
Wii golf while you golf!
Golden Retriever: For lesbians, this is a trusted friend and confidant who always gets your newspapers, slippers, and jokes. For gay men, this is slang for a urinal. Either way, you’ll wake up with something slobbering at the foot of your bed.
“I always use my Titleist Golden Retriever for green shots at about 60 yards out from the cup.”
Gym Queen: A gay man who works out obsessively, pretends to work out obsessively, or doesn’t work out at all and lies about it on Craigslist.
“That gym queen has his grip all wrong. See how floppy his club is?”
Going to Denmark (or, Gender Reassignment Surgery): Gay slang (and clinical jargon) for a sex change operation, popularized by America’s former top tranny “bombshell” Christine Jorgensen (née George Jorgensen). The Nordic lands (Copenhagen, in particular) were the first frontier for early gender reassignment surgeries.
“My wife and I are going to Denmark for chic golf slumming. I hear they’ve added a few new holes…”
Watch the subtle transformation from military man to lady golfer!
As you start working on your swing, Dear Breeder, try practicing this, the latest installment of Homosexual Shorthand. While you’re more likely to encounter gay men giving the back nine a few strokes, you’re sure to find the course swarming with lesbians from the first hole to the last, if you’ll only open your eyes. So tuck your new words into your G-spot and (gasp!) go to Denmark with this gold star vocabulary that will really put the gay bash in your game of couples’ swinging, ritualized course etiquette, and public ball-washing. Fore!
Tags: Antony and the Johnsons, Christine Jorgensen, Gaydar, Gender Police, Gold Star Gays, Golf
February 20, 2009 at 2:42 pm |
good golly gee, I gasp at least 10 times a gay.