Once much-coveted members of our society, horses have been relegated to the southern ranches, 4-H communities, and elitist enclaves that continuously conspire to revive a nostalgic vision of America, useful only to conservatives and the beer and cigarette companies who cater to them. Yet, deep within the shadows of these oddly out-of-date fantasies, Dear Breeder, a secret society secretly known as the Secret Sisterhood of the Stable Horse (SSSH) has emerged in loving tribute to the relationships shared between simple women and their even simpler horses: the tight-knit bonds, the innocent late-night rendezvous, and the vaguely erotic dialogue shared over sugar cubes and sweet teen confessions.
If you’ve ever seen a film or read a book, Dear Breeder, then you know that our society has historically been kind to lonely adolescent girls. Kind indeed. Despite the oft-reported statistics in the real world involving pre-teen girls and rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, eating disorders, educational inequality, polygamous compounds, and sex trafficking, our culture’s fantasy world always provides a young girl with a trusty friend who will protect her, stay by her side, and—like the young girl herself—require hours of grooming. That’s right! It’s your dream come true, lonely adolescent girl: your best friend is a horse! SSSH, close your eyes and think of National Velvet, The Horse Whisperer, and the videos of Linda Ronstadt.
“Why won’t that stallion notice my new vagina dress?”
In our mainstream culture, there is a direct, if implicit parallel between asexual, lonely adolescent girls and asexual, lonely lesbians. Both love and respect the natural world, look great in leather and in barns, and do painstaking work to listen to what animals have to say. (SSSH, they mostly just whisper).
When it comes to the asexual pre-teen or lesbian, the horse is a friend, a playmate in a spiritual sense of the word. The horse is a counterpart for the suspiciously “unattached” girl and offers a viable excuse for her tomboy tendencies and her disinterest in young men. Society assumes that the asexual girl will grow out of her tomboyhood (and implied lesbianism) so that one day A MAN can rightfully inhabit the space between her legs. Will we let that happen, ladies? No, Dear Breeder, SSSH won’t hear of it! Lesbians won’t give up their love of horses, whether they have one or not.
Horses: Dolphins of the Land
Saddle up, Dear Breeder, because this Pony Express has a special delivery for straight horse-lovers, too! In case you haven’t noticed, horses make a perfect prop for female heterosexuality, as they tend to gather around attractive, single ladies outside Western saloons and Golden Corrals. The mere presence of a horse exponentially increases a lonely woman’s sex appeal, standing in as it so obviously does for the unbridled spirit of heterosexual male virility. According to recent Gallop polls, nine out of ten straight women agree (when forced to pose with horses for male pleasure): the only thing better than a long walk on the beach is a long ride on the beach. Giddy-up!
And some people say there’s nothing gay about horseback riding…
As you can see, Dear Breeder, the horse is a multi-faceted creature that carries rich symbolic meaning for everyone, everywhere, all the time. Straight people who like beer commercials appreciate that the entirety of their sexuality can be reduced to a single, sweeping image of an untamed horse powering across a passive countryside. And lesbians who love womyn who love horses can join with the sisters of SSSH to celebrate the beauty of their animal friendships, while learning valuable skills that will make them appear less lonely, longing, and virginal to straight society. “Comb my hair, girl,” says the horse to the budding lesbian who needs practice combing her hair. “Come explore nature with me!” whispers the horse to the timid lesbian afraid to explore the world. Nay, the horse nays, “Come shoo the flies from my gargantuan nostrils and shovel up my sloppy joes [like you’ll do for the rest of your life in this shit patriarchy]!”
Hi-Ho, Silver! Away!