Breeder's Digest

Dear Breeder, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, I know what you’re thinking: That lesbians always seem to have a mysterious aura about them. You’re thinking: Why do those pesky lesbians always seem to be one step ahead of me? Of course, you hesitate to say this out loud because you don’t want people to think you’re racist. Kudos, Dear Breeder, for your cultural sensitivity, but you probably mean “homophobic” or “sexist.” Well, we here at Breeder’s Digest will agree that you sure have a good hunch. Lesbians usually do know what’s up before anybody else does, and even a racist like you has to admit there’s something to be said for that overly-curious single gal with the nose of a bloodhound and the Mystery Machine in her carport. Let’s try to solve this whodunit together.

Clue: The mystery letters are L, G, B, and T.

The fact is, the relationship between lesbians and mysteries goes way back. Way back to when lesbians were mysterious (see: The Mystery of the Jodie Foster). Take Nancy Drew for instance. I won’t go so far as to say that Nancy Drew made me gay, but I certainly read all of her books cover to cover. I was obsessed, and my obliviously nascent lesbianism provided the perfect bookmark for Nancy’s calmly formulaic mysteries. Not only did ol’ Nance teach me how to have a boyfriend without putting out, she taught me that an asexual teenager can ride the wave of wholly, wildly invented cliffhangers—without danger—well into middle age.

The Secret of my Ex-Girlfriend

Indeed, Nancy’s knack for revealing the obvious while intoxicated with the compulsory spirit of blind discovery is truly enviable, especially when these revelations distract from her own suspicious disinterest in heterosexual courtship. Luckily her female best friend “George” (hint hint) is there to remind her that some mysteries are best left unsolved (such as The Clue of the Whistling Bagpipes, which should have been outsourced to those light-in-the-loafer Hardy Boys). In her capacity as Nancy’s enamored sidekick, George’s duties also include changing the oil in Nancy’s blue roadster, deflecting calls from Nancy’s creditors, and casting sidelong glances each time Nancy bends over to pick up a clue.

If only Senator Craig had read more books as a young boy…

If only you had learned to “read between the lines” of the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys serials, Dear Breeder, you could have spent your post-middle-school years honing useful detective skills and refusing to progress out of your adolescent mind-frame, like us gays. With our immature curiosity firmly intact, we gays are fortunate enough to live every day like there may be a dead body in the backyard and like it’s up to us—and us alone!—to make someone feel guilty.

This showboat isn’t haunted, it’s GAY.

We gays learned something from Nancy Drew, and from those limp-wristed Hardy boys, that you might not have picked up on: How to make your life seem more interesting without leaving the front yard. You don’t have to be gay (or otherwise oppressed) to crack the case of the uninteresting lifestyle. My suggestion to you, Dear Breeder, is to wake up and assign each day a mystery title over your morning coffee. You think I’m ridiculous and flamboyant, don’t you? Why are you so racist?!? Like me, pen-name Carolyn Keene (and her thousands of ghostwriters) knew what she/they were doing. How else do you think she/they took the most boring items ever and made them rife with intrigue? Wouldn’t you rather live tomorrow as the “The Clue in the Dry Cleaning” or “The Secret of the A-hole Pharmacist” instead of just another day on your The Office Office Calendar®? Live life like there’s a mystery behind every corner, and like behind every mystery behind every corner is a coded gay reference that you don’t understand.

Case closed!

Tags: Hardy Boys, Lesbian, Mysteries, Nancy Drew, Racism

This entry was posted on January 13, 2009 at 11:16 pm and is filed under Genre, Lesbian, You're out!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.