Breeder's Digest

In previous posts, Dear Breeder, we’ve selfishly asked you to stare down the smoking barrel of the modern homosexual’s bedroom habits. In the interest of equality, we at Breeder’s Digest are now going to do our part to try, as best we can, to comprehend the bizarre sexual practices of the typical, American married couple engaged in a monogamous, committed relationship. For, as is frequently heard echoing from the bedrooms of gays and lesbians across this great land, turnabout is indeed fair play.

First off, as I understand it, each sexual encounter between man and wife begins with a trip to a corporate casual dining restaurant, such as Applebee’s or Olive Garden or, better still, Ruby Tuesday, where the all-you-can-eat salad bar is commonly referred to by management and staff alike as the “suburban panty dropper.”

When used properly, the Ruby Tuesday sneezeguard is 99.7% effective as a method of birth control.

Following their lovely and reasonably priced meal (NY strip steak for him, something with grilled chicken for her, mussels in white wine sauce for neither), the husband and wife drive home in awkward silence where they will further their mating ritual with the formal exchangal of jewelry or, more specifically, tennis bracelets and drop diamond earrings. After his better half is sufficiently mesmerized by the sparkling objects with which he has adorned her, the loving husband will casually suggest that they “go watch tv in the bedroom.” Any woman who has ever had an intimate conversation with her mother will immediately understand that this is Navajo code talk for “brusque sexual intercourse with nominal enjoyment for either party.”

“I thought we were gonna watch Leno.”

After minimal oral contact (or, what we gays frequently call “meat and potatoes”), the husband inserts himself into his wife, in much the same way he inserts himself into all of her personal decisions. It’s my understanding that during this portion of the evening, the lady does her best to lie perfectly still, and to complain as little as possible. She may use this time to think of housekeeping, overdue library books, or her wedding day.

After a reasonable number of minutes has passed, and sufficient friction and static electricity have built up between the two, the attentive husband allows himself to climax, and with much fanfare, “dismounts,” and excuses himself to the bathroom to urinate and pass gas loudly. As it has been told to me, the straight woman now has approximately 90 seconds to discreetly work toward the completion of her own climax and, hot on the heels of her intense and emotional string of multiple orgasms, both husband and wife are ready to collapse into a deep and imperturbable sleep.

“Do I look fulfilled to you?”

Obviously, there is much misinformation and confusion in the gay community about what it is you actually do amongst yourselves, Dear Breeder. Hopefully, we will someday be afforded the opportunity to enter your bedrooms, take copious and detailed notes regarding the particulars of your conjugal habits, and then legislate as necessary.