Everyone knows lesbians know there’s strength in numbers, a truism demonstrated by our natural tendency to voice strong, individual convictions while camouflaged in large protest crowds. But beyond counting the number of “My Chocha, My Choice” signs during weekly rallies at the local abortion clinic, you should realize, Dear Breeder, that we also enjoy the fundamentals of basic math, such as weighing, measuring, and dividing property following a nasty breakup. Lesbians instinctively quantify the advantages and disadvantages of each social situation, often without batting an eyelash (femmes) or a softball (butches). If you see a lesbian with a pensive look on her face: she’s not thinking, Dear Breeder, she’s counting.
L Word cast member famous for her “counting face.”
But just what is the long and short of lesbian long division?
First off, in Lesbian Math 101, there are no rational or real numbers. Instead, we deal entirely in complex and irrational numbers, or we don’t deal at all. This is in part because, like monster trucks or Zapatistas, we play by our own rules. Lesbian Irrational Math is the natural byproduct of living in a real-life fantasy world where an egalitarian ideal demands every relationship quotient be perfectly balanced.
Let me take a typical example from lesbian life. Lesbian A is looking for a mate who will balance her out—you know, make her feel productive and independent, yet loved and trapped. You understand. In order to evaluate her potential suitors, she will follow this basic lesbian formula:
We don’t want to insult you by stating the obvious when it comes to Figure 1.2, but in this graphic logarithm, you can see the tension that arises between what is “real” and what is “imaginary” when it comes to human interaction (i.e. lesbian romance). If she had brushed up on her Lesbian Math 101, Lesbian A (a) would have known better than to have hooked up with a goodtime bisexual (bi), which always seems like it might produce the geometric symbol for gay pride (the triangle), but almost always results in a real snoozefest (z).
Just remember: (a) lesbian + (bi)sexuals = (zzz…)
Now close your books, it’s time for a pop quiz! Remember to keep your eyes on your own paper and always show your work.
Problem Set A: Stacy would never have left Kanya if Kanya hadn’t freaked out about Stacy’s ex, Faye, who was always calling under the pretense of “needing help with the drill.” Through elementary Lesbian Math, Kanya quickly tallied the number of calls from Faye, subtracted the times Stacy made dinner in the last month, and divided that irrational number by the sum of Faye’s drill bits. This alerted Kanya to a trust issue she was having with Stacy and gave her grounds to cut up Stacy’s favorite vintage tees and throw that two-timing jezebel’s iPhone out the window of a moving vehicle.
To be fair, Stacy herself was met with a complex numerical figure by the time she found her iPhone in the mud. She too did some quick Lesbian Math, calculating the square root of Kanya’s hysterical freak-outs as she left a vitriolic voicemail on Kanya’s cell phone. Stacy used the resulting data to walk out, deciding to—as they say in Lesbian Math—“save face” and “be the bigger person.” At least that’s what she told her friends.
Stacy and Kanya’s post-breakup property division worksheet. (Hint: C = cat).
As you can imagine, Lesbian Math 101 has many practical applications, for gays and straights alike. Think back, Dear Breeder, to that moment when you forgot your wife’s birthday, or didn’t realize your husband’s friends were coming over to watch “football season.” Had you only remembered to perform such basic Lesbian Math calculations as “carrying the remainder,” “moving the decimal point,” and “threatening to leave with the golden retriever and all your Melissa Etheridge cd’s,” you could have avoided the subsequent fallout and weeks of domestic misery that resulted. In future times of stress, just think of lesbian mathematicians, and all the wonderful things they can do with their digits.