1. This year, I will make improving my health a number one priority, so long as I can do it from the couch, while talking on my cell phone during commercial breaks.
2. I promise to stop bragging about my all-night porn binges when I encounter neighbors in the hall.
3. Reciting lines from my favorites episodes of The Golden Girls does not count as pillow talk; reciting lines from Doris Day’s Pillow Talk, however, will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
4. Enough with the capri pants.
Capri pants are for lovers Meg Ryan.
5. I will be more considerate to Mother Earth this year, by buying reusable grocery sacks, using eco-friendly cleaning products, and cutting shower time down to a mere, monastic 90 minutes.
6. I’ll try to stop looking at people’s computer screens in coffee shops, and asking them to check Gawker for me.
7. I will not hiss at the elderly, or accuse them of “trying to steal my soul.”
Show a little leg, get a ride.
8. This year, I will find a hairstyle which suits me, and displeases my caseworker.
9. I will begin to look into the idea of perhaps starting to think about maybe someday in an unspecified future timeframe doing online research to help me potentially consider the possibility of being somewhat less promiscuous at some point, within reason.
10. No more cats!
Um, did someone in here lose a mitten?
Tags: Gay, New Year's, Resolutions
