You may have noticed, Dear Breeder, that homosexuals have a flair for language, rivaled only by native speakers of romance languages, Shakespearean stage actors, and Joan Rivers. Nuanced verbal expression, flamboyant gestures, and a deeply coded manner of dress all contribute to a homosexual communication style that may leave straight bystanders longing for a translator. Despite their prominence in the arts, homosexuals have become more and more visible in today’s fast-paced corporate world, and the truth is, Dear Breeder, the ability to speak “their” language may come in handy when the rubbers hit the road at the office.
“I needed that [exquisite gay item] yesterday!”
To meet the rising need felt by heterosexuals who are clueless when it comes to the lexicon of gays, Breeder’s Digest would like to present you with a new feature: “Homosexual Shorthand.” For our first installment, we’ve gone right to the F-word(s), as usual.
Down-to-Business Gay Vocabulary
FTM: Born with a female body but now more of a man than you’ll ever be, this transsexual or transgendered dude gives you a daily dose of serious suit envy.
“Can we get an ETA on the FTM? We need to move on this SWOT analysis, and he’s the best brainstormer we’ve got.”
Fiasco: To say the word “fiasco” is akin to whispering the name of a Gay God. Meaning “breakdown” or “total collapse,” this is exactly what you want to prevent at the office and in the mind of your gay co-worker (see previous blog “Gay Men’s Existential Crisis”). Then again, if you’re looking for workday entertainment outside of reading Breeder’s Digest, incite a pretend fiasco and watch your Company Gay light up like a Christmas tree.
“Let me just say, my meeting with Human Resources was a total fiasco.”
Fisting: A sophisticated, business-style “handshake” that always seals the deal.
“After a proper fisting, my partner and I like to re-evaluate whether we’ve met our deliverables for the month.”
“I said CRISCO, not CISCO.”
Friend of Dorothy: A coded, 50′s-era term for a gay man, alluding to Judy Garland’s character in The Wizard of Oz (or, possibly, to gay icon/writer Dorothy Parker). Still having trouble operating that pesky ditto machine? Ask one of these old-timey stereotypes to lend a hand (see above entry: Fisting)!
“Those friends of Dorothy sure know how to sweat the assets.”
Femme: An expert in procurement, this feminine lesbian enhances the drab office beiges with her slutty business suits and unpredictable makeup palette.
“Let’s touch base with the femme on Friday about our branding. You know what I love about her? She doesn’t think, she does.”
Foray: Despite its linguistic simplicity (4-A), the word “foray” is a veritable onion of meaning and, like the phonetics of “fiasco,” is music to the gay ear. The Senator’s foray into gay bathroom sex, your recent foray into the collected works of John Grisham, and Angelina Jolie’s foray into the collected babies of Angelina Jolie all represent ventures into foreign territory and new (pre)occupations.
“The judge ruled that my foray into Miss Breckinmeyer’s pants was not a punishable offense. (High five!)”
Fancy: Repeat this magic word aloud before you have a meeting with your gay co-worker. Your toes will wiggle in your wingtips, and you’ll walk on air—gay air—into that “mixed” meeting with the ability to speak across the gay-straight divide, winning you the admiration of your straight co-bros.
“Our stocks are plummeting! Fancy that!”
Furnish: Gay euphemism par excellence, the verb “to furnish” simultaneously describes gay men’s talent for interior decorating, lesbians’ penchant for carpentry and cacti, and the process through which one yields or gives. Thus, to furnish is to enact gay life in all its glory and promiscuity. Next time your report is late to the Company Gay, send an email in apology: “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to furnish you with the report at an earlier time. I love what you’ve done with your cubicle.”
Fag: A word used by one gay man to refer to another in an inclusive, complimentary way that recognizes his status as a real team player. (NB: Dear Breeder, don’t ever say this word aloud. Just think it, like our mothers do.)
“I can’t believe my anti-virus definitions are already out of date! Larry, you smell like a fag.”
Try to use each of these words in a sentence at work this week, Dear Breeder, and flex the muscles of your ever-expanding vocabulary. As you brush up on your homosexual shorthand, you may discover that this list is incomplete, and that many perfectly relevant and perfectly gay F-words have been systematically excluded, much like homosexuals in society at large. If you come across any neglected gay F-words, we at Breeder’s Digest recommend you jot them down, and keep a running list tacked to the breakroom corkboard or tucked inside the copy of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Heterosexuals on your bedside table. In no time at all, your foray into faggoty fluency will furnish you with just the fancy fiasco you need to fulfill your fantasies of financial freedom and free-market fisting.
December 15, 2008 at 2:23 pm |
“After a proper fisting, my partner and I like to re-evaluate whether we’ve met our deliverables for the month.”
I. Am. Dying.
December 16, 2008 at 6:18 pm |
fondle, fay, and frolic.
December 16, 2008 at 11:11 pm |
fabulous!