When a mommy gay man and a daddy gay man love each other very much (read: are on a first-name basis*), there are a variety of things they can do to express the intense feelings they share**. We here at Breeder’s Digest know that you, Dear Breeder, can only fleetingly think on exactly what it is we do in bed, and even then only as an abstracted, generalized concept. We understand and sympathize with the fact that your stomach may turn at the mere idea of our sexual satisfaction and personal joy. Believe me, our stomachs likewise turn at the thought of what you do in bed. So let’s agree to disagree, so long as you ultimately agree with us.
Now, don’t get us wrong. Despite the fact that you should have some basic familiarity with the ins and outs of our in-and-outs, by no means do we wish to frighten you away. And so, Dear Breeder, we present you today with what we hope will be a practical, and adorable, guide to the sexual practices of gay men, rendered entirely in euphemism.
Every fuzzy wuzzy bunny knows that getting to the carrot is what it’s all about. And bunnies love to nibble on these vitamin-rich root vegetables, sometimes for hours on end. Sometimes until they gag a little bit, and then the carrot says something like, “You okay down there?” And then the bunny tries to play it cool and maybe says something like, “Yeah, I’m cool.” And then the carrot says, “Cool.” The main thing to remember, as a bunny munches his boyfriend’s carrot, is that AT NO TIME should the bunny’s teeth enter into the equation. Never. I simply can’t stress that enough.
Dang, you got carrot juice all over my new sheets!
Of course, one of the most important aspects of a rabbit’s homelife is the regular maintenance and upkeep of his hole. In fact, the diligent rabbit spends a considerable amount of time concerned with the cleanliness of his entry. It should be tidied up each and every day, and a more thorough cleansing should be administered on days when company is expected. Naturally, someone could drop by at any time, and so the rabbit must always know exactly where he is in his cleansing cycle, and should be honest with his little visitor if he needs to hose out his hole or take a shower or something before anyone makes it past the front door.
You want me to put WHAT in there?
Last but certainly not least, is the concern for health and safety which must be at the forefront of every bunny’s mind. Every bunny knows that it’s a dangerous, rabid world out there, and that there a lots of things going around which can make a bunny sick, scabby, or itchy. So before anyone hippity-hops down his hole, mister rabbit must make sure to get the full history of his friend’s bunny trail, to find out if his friend could perhaps be leaving any other little furry friends behind in his hole (i.e. shrews, moles, crabs).
Balloon animals rock!
Hopefully, Dear Breeder, this little primer has given you some vague insight into your even vaguer preconceived notions about the sexual practices of gay bunnies. In time, I think you’ll discover that—although we may not multiply like them—we gays sure do like to fuck like, well, rabbits.
*Names optional.
** Sharing optional***.
*** So are feelings.
November 19, 2008 at 9:42 pm |
As the kids say, LOL!
December 11, 2008 at 7:29 pm |
haha, “you okay down there?”
December 14, 2008 at 10:32 am |
*snort*