Lesbians for Beginners

Unlike their conspicuous brethren (see The Gay Man of Today), Lesbians tend to blend into the woodwork of your daily life. Mostly because they may or may not look like dudes. And why should you understand why a woman would choose to wear her hair like that? Or, talk about her pets in that way? Or, express a complete disinterest in that most fascinating creature of them all—Man—like that? Well, Dear Breeder, let me intervene: First and foremost, Lesbians are complicated. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lesbians are a formidable people who are both likeable (read: good neighbors) and often contrary (read: they have nothing to lose). But could you pick one out of a police line-up? (I have!) Remember that person with earrings who effortlessly overhauled your engine while simultaneously making you feel as though you had something to contribute when your car broke down on the side of the road? Remember that head of hair who slapped you silly when you hit on her at the bar? Why was she wearing make-up if she didn’t want attention from men?!


Early Lesbian Cave Paintings

Well, Dear Breeder, Lesbians are alive. And by that, I mean they exist. They are not merely figments of straight pornographic fantasy. Nor are they simply the sanitized, beloved hosts of daytime talk shows. The Lesbian of Today has a farther-reaching influence than you might imagine. But just who are these real-life guardian angels that come out of nowhere to change your oil and the outdated patriarchal socio-political structures intent on keeping women in their place? Who are these flannel-clad women singing love songs that we can all enjoy, thanks to gender-neutral pronouns? What’s more, why do these confident, earnest, and laid-back sort-of-women sort-of-matter?

For one thing, Lesbian Next Door Neighbors are more than just the girl next door. Lesbians get things done. If the old oak tree down the street is struck by lightning and falls across your leisure lane, the Lesbian Next Door will be in the street with a chainsaw before you brew your morning coffee. Not only will the Lesbian down the street call local officials about pressing community needs and put the fear of the God in them, she also has homeopathic remedies on hand for any illness, makes a mean vegan stew, and knows when to say when (except when it comes to folk music, drinking, and Southwestern decor).


Early Lesbian Folk Heroes at Work

Aside from being handy, friendly, and loyal, Lesbians are good to have around because they listen. In fact, I’m listening right now. What’s that you say? See, Lesbians are good people because they actually enjoy hearing what you think. In fact, they revel in discussing things most people don’t even share with themselves. Lesbians like to process and analyze; thus, they possess an impressive vocabulary gleaned from all the years of therapy they have both invited and endured. With her natural straight-forwardness and home-grown knowledge, the lesbian will always pour you a cup of organic tea, ensure a genuine connection between the two of you, and leave you feeling like you’ve never met yourself. As she tells you fascinating stories about worlds unknown to you, the Lesbian proudly displays she is a master of exchange, reciprocity, and awareness.

Never forget, Dear Breeder, that Lesbians have a knack for bringing people together and making things happen. I hope you keep this in mind the next time you’re invited to a self-defense class or a toxic de-cleansing by your local Lesbian, especially if the invite comes on the heels of her jumping your car, putting in your in-ground pool, or parking cars at your wedding.



4 Responses to “Lesbians for Beginners”

  1. diana cage Says:

    I feel underrepresented in this description of my, dare I say our, people. And as a femme lesbian who suffers from invisibility amongst even her own I am deeply offended by your oversight.

  2. breedersdigest Says:

    But didn’t you recognize yourself as the “head of hair who slapped [implied straight reader] silly when [same] hit on [lesbian sex expert and talk radio host, Diana Cage] at the bar”? Next time, we’ll point out the ostentatious fashion and vertiginous heels to cut out this, the vagueries of contemporary femme existence (which is itself a primary concern of Breeder’s Digest).

  3. diana cage Says:

    OK, but I think it’s spelled vagaries

  4. breedersdigest Says:

    I’m pretty sure it’s spelled vaginarreah.

    We’re talking about the same thing, right?


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