Breeder's Digest

The gay man of today, like a tropical bird of paradise, can be recognized in the wild by his elegant plumage, high-pitched vocalizations, overly elaborate mating rituals, and steady diet of seeds and sweet nectar. This is, of course, not new information for the more cosmopolitan and nature loving among you, Dear Breeders. You yourself may be related to a gay, may have one as a friend, may have encountered one in the public sphere, or may have seen one once on tv. However, if your answer to any of these scenarios is a firm and deeply-intoned NO, you’re almost certainly mistaken. At some point in your life, you’ve interacted with a gay man, apparently without realizing it at the time. Think back: Remember the fussy retail worker who turned up his nose at your purchases the last time you went to the mall? What about that bedazzled creature with the overly complex hairdo at your local salon? Ever wonder what the deal is with the willowy fellow your wife keeps bringing around, the one with the sense of humor and encyclopedic knowledge of classic film?

These, Dear Breeder, are gays.

Did someone say my name?

Faced as you now are with what may be a startling revelation, you’re probably asking yourself why the gay man as an institution typically looks so…unusual. The answer is quite simple: We come from the future. Though the government would have you believe that the technology required for time travel is still years away, the modern gay man knows otherwise. What with all his copious leisure time, his keenly-developed sense of self, and his near-obsession with knowing everything before everyone else, the gay man of today has his finger pressed firmly on the pulse of fashion, music, and art. (Please don’t ask where else the gay man of today has his finger firmly pressed.) This, Dear Breeder, is why the gay man looks the way he does. He can smell a trend blowing in on a breeze from Paris, Milan, or Tokyo, and unlike you and your crippling obligations to society, the gay man has both the free time and the extra cash to act immediately.

Hopefully, my confusing imagery of gay men as birds from the future has helped to clear up any confusion you may have about gay men. If not, Dear Breeder, I’ll leave you with the following advice: the next time you’re forced into an awkward situation with a suspected or known homosexual, remember the old adage your mother taught you about vinegar and honey. When forced to interact with the gay man of today, remember that he responds without fail to all-out flattery. It won’t hurt anyone, and you’ll both feel good. So go on, compliment him on his flouncy shirt, his funny little shoes, his designer jeans. After all, you’ll be wearing the exact same outfit in three to five years.

Tags: Gay

This entry was posted on November 11, 2008 at 10:37 pm and is filed under Gay. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.