Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. While you all blanch at the thought of sex between men, you freely fantasize about girl-on-girl action, or perhaps dabbled in it in college, respective male and female breeders. News flash: Guys, those girls are talented straight actresses, and your wife knows about the videos. Ladies, why don’t you call me anymore?
Since we’re being truthful with one another, I can let the cat out of the bag about lesbian intercourse. Without beating around the bush, it’s time I beat around the bush in an effort to explain everything there is—and isn’t—when it comes to lesbian sex (AKA “beating around the bush”). For propriety’s sake, I’ve chosen to expose the hidden truths of lesbian sex, in a graphic description delivered entirely in feline euphemisms.
Soft lighting can make anyone look gay!
Like lesbians, cats have a reputation for being independent, distant, and sometimes separatist in nature; but, both children and adults warm at the idea of a litter of kittens playfully tumbling, rolling, and rubbing up against each other suggestively. What we often don’t think about is what actually goes down in that throbbing ball of undulating fur. Awww, kittens!
“I love you, Michelle. Promise you’ll never leave.”
The answer, Dear Breeder, is that it depends entirely on the pussy! There are lots of different kinds of pussies, and different pussies have different needs—just like us! Most pussies like to be touched and petted, sometimes for hours on end. When a pussy has been well-fed and spent a long day (or many long, lonely years in Columbus, Ohio) lounging in the sun, the pussy will passionately tremble at the mere touch of your hand. Eventually, she will begin to purr feverishly at your tender, loving, and attentive (but not too hard!) touches, until finally she mews in ecstasy*.
The great thing about pussies is that they practically clean themselves! And there’s nothing sweeter than seeing a pussy licking another pussy until the dirty pussy’s so clean and satisfied she settles in for a long cat nap. Aw, cute! Kittens!
Me so sexy.
For variety, many pussy-lovers keep wind-up, battery-operated, or silicon toy mice around the house, to bring out when their pussies are feeling especially frisky (or lonesome, or bored). There are all sorts of toys to keep your pussy happy and interested for years to come. And that will keep your pussy coming for years.
But what happens when pussies stray from the litter?
“Why do you seem so distant lately?”
You’ve probably heard the screeching of a cat fight late at night and wondered what all the commotion was about, haven’t you? To put it simply, it’s usually the result of one of three scenarios: 1) one pussy caught a disease that it can only catch from other pussies; 2) one pussy feels like it’s “time to move on”; or, 3) both pussies have been nervous about the future of their relationship and have admittedly been drinking too much milk and have a lot to “work on” as a couple and have been analyzing the “power dynamic” between them for months now tirelessly, endlessly, only for one pussy to find out that the other pussy is nothing but a rat in pussy’s clothing, and really, she always knew it, it was just her low self-esteem and unrealized feminism that kept her in a scenario that was so obviously aligned with the Power and Control Wheel™ cycle of abuse. Awww, kittens!
And that, my Dear Breeder, is the world of lesbian sex writ in frank detail with a no-nonsense approach. Truth is, just like in straight relationships, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. But usually, the easiest way is to get that cat half in the bag first!
*I hate to get political here—“oh yawn,” you might be thinking, “why are lesbians so serious?”—but I feel very strongly that your pussy be de-clawed if she plays with other pussies. Long nails can mean damage, emotional and physical. In the first case, some cats don’t like to play with cats that have long nails. In the latter, a fistful of monster claw can leave a pussy bleeding for days—not once a month like God intended!
