Euphemistically Speaking: Lesbian Edition

November 21, 2008

Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. While you all blanch at the thought of sex between men, you freely fantasize about girl-on-girl action, or perhaps dabbled in it in college, respective male and female breeders. News flash: Guys, those girls are talented straight actresses, and your wife knows about the videos. Ladies, why don’t you call me anymore?

Since we’re being truthful with one another, I can let the cat out of the bag about lesbian intercourse. Without beating around the bush, it’s time I beat around the bush in an effort to explain everything there is—and isn’t—when it comes to lesbian sex (AKA “beating around the bush”). For propriety’s sake, I’ve chosen to expose the hidden truths of lesbian sex, in a graphic description delivered entirely in feline euphemisms.

gaylighting

Soft lighting can make anyone look gay!

Like lesbians, cats have a reputation for being independent, distant, and sometimes separatist in nature; but, both children and adults warm at the idea of a litter of kittens playfully tumbling, rolling, and rubbing up against each other suggestively. What we often don’t think about is what actually goes down in that throbbing ball of undulating fur. Awww, kittens!

michelle

“I love you, Michelle. Promise you’ll never leave.”

The answer, Dear Breeder, is that it depends entirely on the pussy! There are lots of different kinds of pussies, and different pussies have different needs—just like us! Most pussies like to be touched and petted, sometimes for hours on end. When a pussy has been well-fed and spent a long day (or many long, lonely years in Columbus, Ohio) lounging in the sun, the pussy will passionately tremble at the mere touch of your hand. Eventually, she will begin to purr feverishly at your tender, loving, and attentive (but not too hard!) touches, until finally she mews in ecstasy*.

The great thing about pussies is that they practically clean themselves! And there’s nothing sweeter than seeing a pussy licking another pussy until the dirty pussy’s so clean and satisfied she settles in for a long cat nap. Aw, cute! Kittens!

mesosexy

Me so sexy.

For variety, many pussy-lovers keep wind-up, battery-operated, or silicon toy mice around the house, to bring out when their pussies are feeling especially frisky (or lonesome, or bored). There are all sorts of toys to keep your pussy happy and interested for years to come. And that will keep your pussy coming for years.

But what happens when pussies stray from the litter?

distantlately

“Why do you seem so distant lately?”

You’ve probably heard the screeching of a cat fight late at night and wondered what all the commotion was about, haven’t you? To put it simply, it’s usually the result of one of three scenarios: 1) one pussy caught a disease that it can only catch from other pussies; 2) one pussy feels like it’s “time to move on”; or, 3) both pussies have been nervous about the future of their relationship and have admittedly been drinking too much milk and have a lot to “work on” as a couple and have been analyzing the “power dynamic” between them for months now tirelessly, endlessly, only for one pussy to find out that the other pussy is nothing but a rat in pussy’s clothing, and really, she always knew it, it was just her low self-esteem and unrealized feminism that kept her in a scenario that was so obviously aligned with the Power and Control Wheel™ cycle of abuse. Awww, kittens!

And that, my Dear Breeder, is the world of lesbian sex writ in frank detail with a no-nonsense approach. Truth is, just like in straight relationships, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. But usually, the easiest way is to get that cat half in the bag first!

emma1

*I hate to get political here—“oh yawn,” you might be thinking, “why are lesbians so serious?”—but I feel very strongly that your pussy be de-clawed if she plays with other pussies. Long nails can mean damage, emotional and physical. In the first case, some cats don’t like to play with cats that have long nails. In the latter, a fistful of monster claw can leave a pussy bleeding for days—not once a month like God intended!

2 Comments | Lesbian | Tagged: , | Permalink
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Euphemistically Speaking: Gay Men’s Edition

November 18, 2008

When a mommy gay man and a daddy gay man love each other very much (read: are on a first-name basis*), there are a variety of things they can do to express the intense feelings they share**. We here at Breeder’s Digest know that you, Dear Breeder, can only fleetingly think on exactly what it is we do in bed, and even then only as an abstracted, generalized concept. We understand and sympathize with the fact that your stomach may turn at the mere idea of our sexual satisfaction and personal joy. Believe me, our stomachs likewise turn at the thought of what you do in bed. So let’s agree to disagree, so long as you ultimately agree with us.

Now, don’t get us wrong. Despite the fact that you should have some basic familiarity with the ins and outs of our in-and-outs, by no means do we wish to frighten you away. And so, Dear Breeder, we present you today with what we hope will be a practical, and adorable, guide to the sexual practices of gay men, rendered entirely in euphemism.

Every fuzzy wuzzy bunny knows that getting to the carrot is what it’s all about. And bunnies love to nibble on these vitamin-rich root vegetables, sometimes for hours on end. Sometimes until they gag a little bit, and then the carrot says something like, “You okay down there?” And then the bunny tries to play it cool and maybe says something like, “Yeah, I’m cool.” And then the carrot says, “Cool.” The main thing to remember, as a bunny munches his boyfriend’s carrot, is that AT NO TIME should the bunny’s teeth enter into the equation. Never. I simply can’t stress that enough.

carrots-for-dinner

Dang, you got carrot juice all over my new sheets!

Of course, one of the most important aspects of a rabbit’s homelife is the regular maintenance and upkeep of his hole. In fact, the diligent rabbit spends a considerable amount of time concerned with the cleanliness of his entry. It should be tidied up each and every day, and a more thorough cleansing should be administered on days when company is expected. Naturally, someone could drop by at any time, and so the rabbit must always know exactly where he is in his cleansing cycle, and should be honest with his little visitor if he needs to hose out his hole or take a shower or something before anyone makes it past the front door.

rabbit-hole

You want me to put WHAT in there?

Last but certainly not least, is the concern for health and safety which must be at the forefront of every bunny’s mind. Every bunny knows that it’s a dangerous, rabid world out there, and that there a lots of things going around which can make a bunny sick, scabby, or itchy. So before anyone hippity-hops down his hole, mister rabbit must make sure to get the full history of his friend’s bunny trail, to find out if his friend could perhaps be leaving any other little furry friends behind in his hole (i.e. shrews, moles, crabs).

balloon-animal

Balloon animals rock!

Hopefully, Dear Breeder, this little primer has given you some vague insight into your even vaguer preconceived notions about the sexual practices of gay bunnies. In time, I think you’ll discover that—although we may not multiply like them—we gays sure do like to fuck like, well, rabbits.

john1

*Names optional.
** Sharing optional***.
*** So are feelings.

3 Comments | Gay | Tagged: , | Permalink
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Lesbians for Beginners

November 14, 2008

Unlike their conspicuous brethren (see The Gay Man of Today), Lesbians tend to blend into the woodwork of your daily life. Mostly because they may or may not look like dudes. And why should you understand why a woman would choose to wear her hair like that? Or, talk about her pets in that way? Or, express a complete disinterest in that most fascinating creature of them all—Man—like that? Well, Dear Breeder, let me intervene: First and foremost, Lesbians are complicated. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lesbians are a formidable people who are both likeable (read: good neighbors) and often contrary (read: they have nothing to lose). But could you pick one out of a police line-up? (I have!) Remember that person with earrings who effortlessly overhauled your engine while simultaneously making you feel as though you had something to contribute when your car broke down on the side of the road? Remember that head of hair who slapped you silly when you hit on her at the bar? Why was she wearing make-up if she didn’t want attention from men?!

graffiti

Early Lesbian Cave Paintings

Well, Dear Breeder, Lesbians are alive. And by that, I mean they exist. They are not merely figments of straight pornographic fantasy. Nor are they simply the sanitized, beloved hosts of daytime talk shows. The Lesbian of Today has a farther-reaching influence than you might imagine. But just who are these real-life guardian angels that come out of nowhere to change your oil and the outdated patriarchal socio-political structures intent on keeping women in their place? Who are these flannel-clad women singing love songs that we can all enjoy, thanks to gender-neutral pronouns? What’s more, why do these confident, earnest, and laid-back sort-of-women sort-of-matter?

For one thing, Lesbian Next Door Neighbors are more than just the girl next door. Lesbians get things done. If the old oak tree down the street is struck by lightning and falls across your leisure lane, the Lesbian Next Door will be in the street with a chainsaw before you brew your morning coffee. Not only will the Lesbian down the street call local officials about pressing community needs and put the fear of the God in them, she also has homeopathic remedies on hand for any illness, makes a mean vegan stew, and knows when to say when (except when it comes to folk music, drinking, and Southwestern decor).

heroes

Early Lesbian Folk Heroes at Work

Aside from being handy, friendly, and loyal, Lesbians are good to have around because they listen. In fact, I’m listening right now. What’s that you say? See, Lesbians are good people because they actually enjoy hearing what you think. In fact, they revel in discussing things most people don’t even share with themselves. Lesbians like to process and analyze; thus, they possess an impressive vocabulary gleaned from all the years of therapy they have both invited and endured. With her natural straight-forwardness and home-grown knowledge, the lesbian will always pour you a cup of organic tea, ensure a genuine connection between the two of you, and leave you feeling like you’ve never met yourself. As she tells you fascinating stories about worlds unknown to you, the Lesbian proudly displays she is a master of exchange, reciprocity, and awareness.

Never forget, Dear Breeder, that Lesbians have a knack for bringing people together and making things happen. I hope you keep this in mind the next time you’re invited to a self-defense class or a toxic de-cleansing by your local Lesbian, especially if the invite comes on the heels of her jumping your car, putting in your in-ground pool, or parking cars at your wedding.

emma1

4 Comments | Lesbian | Tagged: | Permalink
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The Gay Man of Today

November 11, 2008

The gay man of today, like a tropical bird of paradise, can be recognized in the wild by his elegant plumage, high-pitched vocalizations, overly elaborate mating rituals, and steady diet of seeds and sweet nectar. This is, of course, not new information for the more cosmopolitan and nature loving among you, Dear Breeders. You yourself may be related to a gay, may have one as a friend, may have encountered one in the public sphere, or may have seen one once on tv. However, if your answer to any of these scenarios is a firm and deeply-intoned NO, you’re almost certainly mistaken. At some point in your life, you’ve interacted with a gay man, apparently without realizing it at the time. Think back: Remember the fussy retail worker who turned up his nose at your purchases the last time you went to the mall? What about that bedazzled creature with the overly complex hairdo at your local salon? Ever wonder what the deal is with the willowy fellow your wife keeps bringing around, the one with the sense of humor and encyclopedic knowledge of classic film?

These, Dear Breeder, are gays.

christian-siriano-fashion-031208-00091
Did someone say my name?

Faced as you now are with what may be a startling revelation, you’re probably asking yourself why the gay man as an institution typically looks so…unusual. The answer is quite simple: We come from the future. Though the government would have you believe that the technology required for time travel is still years away, the modern gay man knows otherwise. What with all his copious leisure time, his keenly-developed sense of self, and his near-obsession with knowing everything before everyone else, the gay man of today has his finger pressed firmly on the pulse of fashion, music, and art. (Please don’t ask where else the gay man of today has his finger firmly pressed.) This, Dear Breeder, is why the gay man looks the way he does. He can smell a trend blowing in on a breeze from Paris, Milan, or Tokyo, and unlike you and your crippling obligations to society, the gay man has both the free time and the extra cash to act immediately.

Hopefully, my confusing imagery of gay men as birds from the future has helped to clear up any confusion you may have about gay men. If not, Dear Breeder, I’ll leave you with the following advice: the next time you’re forced into an awkward situation with a suspected or known homosexual, remember the old adage your mother taught you about vinegar and honey. When forced to interact with the gay man of today, remember that he responds without fail to all-out flattery. It won’t hurt anyone, and you’ll both feel good. So go on, compliment him on his flouncy shirt, his funny little shoes, his designer jeans. After all, you’ll be wearing the exact same outfit in three to five years.

john1

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